Jun 17, 2008

Slipping Into the Deep End.

Allow me to set the scene for you...

(The following will evoke images of me and nudity. Prepare yourselves.)

Mama has had a hard day.

  1. Cause it's Monday.
  2. Cause she only got 4 hours of sleep the night before - Lord knows why.
  3. She has just finished her 35th page of Interactive Essays and they are now due to her Professor within 15 minutes. She is still 8 pages short. She turns them in, anyway.
  4. She got a haircut over the weekend and no one, absolutely no one, not one single person even said anything about it. And this hurts.
  5. And Remi decided that sidewalk chalk can be used any number of places. Not just sidewalks. She feels this was poor marketing on their part.

Mama wants the AG to come home.
  1. Cause it's Monday.
  2. Cause she only got 4 hours of sleep the night before. And this has made her cranky. Of course, considering she is a cranky person by nature - this should be no shock to him.
  3. This one has nothing to do with Interactive Essays. She quit caring about them the minute she hit SEND on her email.
  4. She got a haircut over the weekend and is still pretty hacked about the whole thing.
  5. Well, Remi and the whole chalk fiasco.

So anyhoo, the AG finally gets home. He is not feeling well, but do I have something to help him out. I have made him a huge dinner of fresh green beans (from my father-in-laws garden...which is much like ordering from Cracker Barrel only way better), corn casserole, and garden squash with onions. Oh, and sweet tea.

Now, if you notice I did not mention one carnivorous item. That is because my child has decided she is a vegetarian and fruititarian (is that anything?). This little known fact should may later be added to my reasons for having a bad day and being in a perpetually hacked off mood. How can I raise a child that doesn't like meat?

That's like instilling my wisdom in her and her still not wanting to color her hair. And so help me if that happens....

So as soon as the AG walks in the door here's what I do: I set the timer on the oven (all dishes are in and cooking. Check.). I fill Remi's sippy cup (child is present, accounted for and happy. Check.). And I finish dusting the bedroom and making the bed (I do this before he enters so that he thinks I did earlier in the day making me look busier and therefore more attractive. Check.) And I head in to the bathroom and draw me a big ole' tub of water.

I add my Avon Skin So Soft and bubble bath.

Things are lookin' up.

I fix me a big glass of ice water, grab something good to read, and dive in.


AG: (Stomping through the house) What is that noise?

Me: The faucet in the tub.

AG: What's wrong with it?

Me: It's dripping. It's no big deal.

AG: That is a big deal. Isn't it driving you nuts?

Me: No. It's not. Worry about it later.

Rem: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy...

Me: Whatever you do, do not tell her you are in here with...

AG: I'm in here with mom!

Rem: (Rounding the corner at 98 mph) Oh!!!!!! Momma! You in tub! I come in! (Begins the proverbial strip-down)

Me: No, no. That's okay. Mom just wants a little time to herself. Please honey, take her out with you.

AG: I'm not going out. I'm fixin' to fix this drip. I can't believe it's not driving you nuts.

Me: No, surprisingly, the drip is not what's driving me nuts.

AG: (Coming back in with an Allen Wrench that we probably got when we got married and he is just now decided to use.) Let me look at it. (Begins to turn the faucets on and off.)

Me: That's hot! That's hot water! Turn it off!

Rem: Mama I nekkkkkeeeddd....I neeekkkeedddd....I neekkkkeeedddd. Mama! Mama! Mama!

Me: What baby?

Rem: I come in.

AG: Oh, here's the problem. (Hit. Hit. Clang. Clang.)

Me: Remi, please don't....

AG: Just let her come in. Otherwise you're going to make me bathe her later. Here Rem, crawl in.

Rem: (She dives in beside me) Mama, moose over.

Me: I can't scoot over Remi. There's no where else to move.

Rem: Moose over, mama. Mooooose over.

Me: Fine Remi.

Rem: Mama, I tee-teed.

AG: Okay, I fixed it. No more annoying drip.

Me: Oh, there's still an annoying drip, I assure you.

AG: What was that noise? Did you hear that?

Me: What now?

AG: Your oven just went off.

Me: Sigh.


Trish said...

can't a girl just take a bath?

Lula! said...

Were you at my house last night? Ok...really...we were in the middle of Outrigger Island, where we live God's unshakable Truth. BUT...this could be a night at our house on any given day of the week.

p.s. I'm coming to your house to eat. I like Cracker Barrel and all, but I swear--it's got nothing on real homecookin'. I guess Yankess can get their fix and feel good about themselves while there, so that's a good thing. But still...

KimmyJ said...

I have been there, honey! My kids suddenly need me when I am in the bathroom or on the phone. It's a given.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about your bath.Yeah, mine are now about 3 minutes long...and I have my son, my dog and my 2 cats sitting in my small bathroom with me...just sitting there....

Swirl Girl said...

Love the tee-tee in the bathtub. How refreshing.

what a riot!! Sorry I am laughing, but to find out that someone else's life is more pitiful than mine makes me feel good.

Oh, and your hair looks great!


One- said...

Hilarious! Thanks for sharing. I've been enjoying that last little bit of time before my kids all come home from school. I live in Las Vegas, and we have year round schools. What better way to rev up for my night to come, then listen to yours. I hope mine goes a bit better!

Sissy said...

I am so jealous that you have a bathtub that works and you fit in! We bought a 40 year old house and the bathtub is only, like, 4 1/2 feet long. I am 5'10". So when I am in the bath, only my butt and feet are in the water. Not relaxing. Course, your bath didn't sound that relaxing either!

Anonymous said...

Okay, so as I'm reading your blog, I'm totally getting this mental picture of what's going on (except I can't really see anybody, which is best for both of us 'cause we don't really need to know each other THAT well) and it's almost like I can hear the voices. But I swear when I got to the part where Remi announced that she had tee-tee'd, I almost wet myself laughing. Wasn't that just the proverbial icing on the cake? I'm so sorry ... for you ... but dang, your life is comedy, girl!

I love it! And you!


Mrs. R said...

Calgon, take me away! We had one, hard, fast rule growing up. If mom is in the bath, do not go within 5 feet of that bathroom. Period. You know what she did.. she got a lock. It was a lock on the door that only adults could reach... brilliant.

Evi said...

...love it. I am not alone in the world.
Thank you!
Any turdies with the tee-tee's? because that would have been the icing for me!

Kimba said...

I hear you, friend. I nearly lost it the other night when I found myself sitting on the potty while playing catch with my little one. They the older one came in and said, "There you are! I thought I heard you tinkling in here!"

All the while, their dearest father watched a baseball game. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!