The Last Time I Talked to My Mother...

Aahhhh...hang on blog readers. Hang on.

We are now embarking on a new chapter in the Stretch Marks blog

that I will be calling,

"The Last Time I Talked To My Mother."

From now on, when you see it pop up you have one of two options:

(1) Read it slowly letting it soak in.

(2) Or turn away - fast.

Although I will admit, it's kind of like an accident

that you can't help but look at.

So, here we go. This is from a conversation we had

on Sunday night at 6:15pm.

Me: Hey mom, whatchadoin?
Mom: I'm not doin' it.
Me: What does that even mean?
Mom: It means I'm not doin' it. I'm not doin' anything. What are you doin' and where's my baby?
Me: I'm on my way to church and...
Mom: Are you taking that baby to church again? She is probably so tired. Did she even get a nap?
Me: Yes, she got a nap. And then I took her for a walk.
Mom: Did you put a coat on her? You never even bother to put a coat on her.
Me: I didn't need to, it's 70 degrees outside.
Mom: No, it's not. It's storming. And cold.
Me: Mom - you live in Texas.
Mom: So why are you going up to the church so late at night?
Me: I have worship practice.
Mom: FOR WHAT? (she seems completely put out by this but I have no idea why.)
Me: For Wednesday night...but what does it matter?
Mom: Oh brother. So guess who I ran into yesterday?
Me: Who?
Mom: *Lydia Fair.
Me: Really?
Mom: And guess what she told me?
Me: What?
Mom: That ugly daughter of hers - *Misty Fair - she got married. The ugly one? Can you believe that?
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes! Yuck. I tell you what, gettin' a daughter that ugly married off will make a mother run a mile. You know that? Make you run a mile you're so happy.
.......long pause..........
Me: Mom, you know I'm gonna have to blog this.
Mom: That's fine. Just don't tell 'em who you're talking to.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And the ugly.