Jan 18, 2011

Its Amazing What A Little Underworld Can Teach You. (Bachelor Recap)

Thank you to my girlfriends, whom I watch The Bachelor with every week as they take a two hour show and make it 14 1/2 hours long. But it takes us a while to comment on every word, broach, dress, pair of shoes, hair clip, extension and comment. Can you imagine? We're exhausted by the end of the evening. And this week was no different.

Mainly its hard keeping up with the names. Oh, the names. Names of women we want to kill. Names of women we want to leave. Names of women who have between 2 to 8 seconds total of air time. Names of women who aren't long for this world because they say things like: "I'm starting to really feel something special with you and it's hard sharing you with 14 other women." (Note to bachelorettes: Watch the show before you come on it. Sharing him with 14 other women is....well...what the entire series is about.)

In order to solve our name dilemna we have come up with a fool-proof plan. Its called the "Let's-call-them-by-what-they-do-or-how-they-act-or-what-they-say-or-horrific-outfits-they-wear." And its working out good. I've you've been watching the show then you know exactly who the following are:


Ugly Pink Shoes.

Old-Woman Real Estate.

30th Birthday.





Petite Behind.




And Emily. (Who we know by her actual name because, well, look at her! We all readily confessed that even as secure as we are in our heterosexuality even we would give her a rose just to keep her around and listen to her talk!)

Nothing super suprising happened during the first part of tonights episode. It was chocked full of girls in spandex, cheezy action sequences, playing chicken in the pool and 30th Birthday. Awww, 30th Birthday: the most unoriginal nutjob since last seasons unorginal nutjob. If I decided to go on the Bachelorette and be the villian I would play it soooooo differently. I wouldn't look at the camera and say things like, "I wish the other women would die. I just want to run away with him. They can go on home now. Poor little girls. I'm a woman." I would look right into that camera and say, "I know exactly who I am in Christ, so tomorrow night at the cocktail party - I'm wearing overalls!" And then I would do it.

But it was the second half that got a little odd mainly becuase Fangs did something pretty shockingly, commendable. She left. Not becuase he let her go. Not even because she necassarily wanted to go. But because (as she put it), "Although I'm here because I really want to fall in love, I don't want to take the place of a wonderful women who really needs to."

And y'all....she took her fangs out to say it.

To which Brad said, "You don't have to take your fangs out." And I declared to my fellow-watchers that whenever you're watching a show and the statement, "you don't have to take your fangs out" is uttered, you know you have just hit an all-time low. And perhaps we have; but tonight Fangs left with a little bit of dignity and alot of us thinking that maybe, just maybe, they teach manners in the underworld. You never know.

She not only left Brad to be devoured by hot-blooded women, she took her fangs out to do it.

And that, my lovelies, is your re-cap for the week.


Vickie said...

'Morning, Melissa - I caught only the part with Emily. This has to be the lowest rated Bachelor EVER. They should have never let this guy come back. If I'd been on the show I'd have walked off when I learned that they were giving ole Brad a second chance. He has issues. (they must really be starving for good bachelors!) I do like your names that you've given to the girls. Most of them make me gag. I would just try to be myself, too. I'll bring my coveralls & flipflops - altho they'd look alot cuter on you than me...

Jennifer said...

Love it! I was so shocked when she took the fangs out! I didn't realize they were removable. I was really glad she decided to go home. She and Brad had less than zero in common.

Genie Marie said...

Seriously...the Bachelor needs to contact you to write THEIR blog...love reading your recaps and I rarely watch the show, although I did catch the fangs coming out last night!!! Love it!!!
Keep on recapping...that way even if I don't catch the show, I will still know what Brad is up to!

Amy said...

I LOVE Emily! Im thinking if he doesnt pick her she should be the next Bachelorette. And for the record..I dont think he will pick her. Fangs did a great thing tonight. I loved when she said " I want to fall in love but some people need to fall in love"..she was classy tonight. AND I was THRILLED to see that those werent real. That she hadnt had her teeth ground that way. I had alreayd spoken to the dentist about it when I was there with my child..he was gonna watch just to see! LOL

Andrea said...

I just love your Bachleor re-caps! I'm convinced he's getting paid some kind of stipend for every rose he gives 30th Birthday. Seriously, how could he NOT be annoyed by her barging in on his EVERY private moment?!

Crazy Me said...

I am blaming you and Mama's Losin it for me having to look this show up on the internet to see if I can watch it. You two and your hysterical recaps. Don't you both realize that I already have too much tv on my plate to add more? Geez.

Cari said...

"And y'all....she took her fangs out to say it."-BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! When she did that I just sat there with my mouth wide open....And then I wondered what on earth was holding them on because they came off so easy. I have had to help my grandfather take out his dentures and it takes a crow bar thanks to fix-o-dent...Were they press-on fangs?