Feb 23, 2010

The Bachelor: Melissa Tells All

Why do I watch this particular episode every year? I hate this one, I really do.

The one where all the women return and they look all fresh faced and like they rolled out of the tanning bed literally 12 minutes before taping.

Not to mention they are all giggly with each other and high-fiving and whatnot, when only one week ago they were trying to poison each other with Retin-A and Sally Hansen products. Sheesh.

It really is my least favorite episode of the year. And last night was no exception.

There was Ali and her tears: Oh, Ali, dry 'em up - you know you'll be the next Bachelorette. You're just one handshake and a signed contract away from being the very thing that drives Meridith and I to my leather couch week after week after incredibly sad week.

There was Gia and her bangs: Dear Gia, cut your bangs. For the love of God, cut your bangs. (She seems like such a sweet girl and I actually want to see her end up happy with someone, but my momma once told me "it don't matter how pretty your heart is, we can't see it for that zit on your nose." Only this time I feel certain she would have said it about Gia's bangs.)

There was Michelle, the resident psycho: Nothing really great to note here; except that reality television got it right this time! Because this girl really is nuts.

And then there was Chris Harrison: Oh, see, you thought I was going to say something about Rosalyn. But you would be sooooo wrong. No, see, last night didn't belong to her. It belonged to Chris. I would like to throw in some special quote right now about how some men are real class acts, but unfortunately the only thing I'm coming up with is Ron Burgundy saying, "I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science." Now, in no way am I saying Chris Harrison is Ron Burgundy - he most assuredly is not - and yet somehow after watching him talk to Rosalyn the quote still stands. Don'tchathink?

"In fact, I would like to take a moment and offer Chris a rose. Chris, would you accept this rose and be the host of this show until it either goes off the air or until God convicts me of watching it altogether?"
**Cheeky hug**
"I'd be delighted."

And now, my lovelies, we must continue on with our with our pilgramage knowing that this time next week Jake will have made his choice and we will be months away from my riveting - RIVETING - (and did I mention riveting?) posts on The Bachelorette.

What will we do? What will we do?

Let's hope that by this time next week Jake will be saying in the words of Ron Burgundy:

"I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited."

Until next week, my lovelies.


Melissa said...

Yes, I too, sat through all 2 hours (which thankfully was shortened by my beloved DVR) of the drama. I loved how the girls would watch the playbacks and giggle at their ugliness toward one another. That was so cute....shah not. I am glad that Ali acted like a big girl and admitted that she had been a little mean to Vienna. However, Vienna really is too young. I hope things work out with whoever he chooses, but I'm just afraid (I act like he's my brother and I'm vested in this) if he chooses her, he is going to quickly realize just how immature she really is.
That tabloids are ripping her apart, but she's the one who posed topless in so many spring break photos. Yikes.

A Musing Mom (Taylorclan6) said...

Thank you so much for saving me hours every season. Against all that is good and worthy, I chose to address the broken heating element on my dryer last night. If it hadn't been that, I would have addressed the dishes rather than watch Jake and his soap opera.

I want to say the reason is because I am just too good for that kind of trash but the real truth (just between you and me) is that I get sucked in far too easily. I would be obsessing every. single. post.

I'm the one who feigned being sick 28 years ago so I could stay home to watch Luke and Laura sans General Hospital marry.

I scheduled my classes in college around Days of Our Lives.

So when I thank you, it is sincere.

Thank you, Melissa.

Vickie said...

Aw, heck, I wanted to hear your comments on Rosalyn. That was a total no-brainer. I can't even believe she had the guts to come on the show - she knew she was going to get creamed. My hubby was hooting and hollering from the kitchen that Ros knew exactly what she was doing - she'd make alot of money and get a book deal out of it! haha - I have to make him leave the room so I can watch.

Karen Carter said...

Well we have the wedding to look forward to of jason and Molly! Yuck!! But will I watch? heck ya Glad we got see Wes again last night in the bacteria pool with all the old hussies. That was refreshing! Especially the girl from season 2 like five years ago whos still looking for that soul mate. RED FLAG! You just cant make that stuff up! My guess is that he doesnt pick either..6 days and counting.

Lynda said...

I am glad I read your recap rather than watching. Sources say Vienna is the pick. Ugh.

Lynda said...

I am glad I read your recap rather than watching. Sources say Vienna is the pick. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

I loved every minute of this episode. Rozalyn is a sleaze bag and really ticked me off when she attacked Chris! But when you know you're wrong dontcha get all defensive? Anywho, my favorite moment was the funny clip where Chris sang "On the wings of loooovve....". Priceless.