I'm Thinkin' I Didn't Marry A Bachelor.

Not that I'm saying The Attorney General was married already. Trust me, I would know. I've read all about those polygamist sects in Utah, so trust me, I could spot one at thousand paces. Plus, their church directory pic always looks like this.

"Yes, you! Little girl with the long hair and braids....smile!"

No, the reason I know I didn't marry a Bachelor is because I finally got to watch Monday nights Bachelor episode and well, The AG wasn't anything like that. Granted he married me circa 1994 so maybe I just can't remember that far back, but I'm pretty sure our moments together were nothing - nothing! - like this. Let me give you some examples.

Three Ways You Know You and Your "Bachelor" Are Not Part of an ABC Prime time Show:

1. You don't play hide-and-seek. You barely even run.

I'm not saying hide-and-seek isn't a fun game. It is. It entertains my 3 year old for hours on end. But as a grown up, I cannot say that were I to go to a vineyard I would play hide-and-seek with my love. How do I know this? I've been to a vineyard. I didn't play any games. Certainly not any games where running and ducking were involved. Rather, I sat motionless at a bar for 2 hours and listened to someone use terms like "pesticides" and "biologically integrated farming". Then I took a sweep of the gift store, purchased three bottles of salad dressing and waited in line for the vineyard tour with 40 couple over the age of 70. The young couples went on the walking tour. Suckers!

2. At the end of your date you don't go on and on about how wonderful it was - you tell the truth.

And here is where my penchant for brutal honesty comes in; but at one point in the vineyard date Jake says that Gia "is a big city girl and yet here she is loving the outdoors and yada yada yada" and I'm thinking to myself, "what the heck else is she supposed to say?" I'm guessing she wouldn't be holding that rose in her hand were she to really say "Jake, this is not my idea of a good time. You must have misunderstood me. I didn't say I like wine and olives. I said I like the Olive Garden. Hear the difference?"

The AG tells me that is why he fell in love with me. My honesty. On our first real date he tried to by-pass the popcorn and cokes at the movies since we had just had dinner, to which I reminded him, "I don't come to the movies without getting popcorn. Ever. You need to know this upfront. And also, you just bought me a pizza buffet, so don't go gettin' all snooty on me." To which he replied, "you know how they started bringing out all those pizzas when that school bus full of footballers pulled up?" "Yeah." "Well, it wasn't because of that school bus full of footballers."

God, I love that man.

3. You do not - under any circumstances - ride a Dune Buggy.

Did I even spell Dune Buggy right? Because I haven't seen a dune buggy since Scooby and the Gang had to fight off that sand monster that was scaring the whole town. So I was a little shocked they still existed. I was especially shocked when all the girls readily jumped in them and not one was hear saying, "You know what? I'll wait back here at the picnic table for you all. I have a bone in my leg."

Seriously? These are the moments when The Bachelor is unrealistic to me. Not one of those women complained of having to sit out due to:

1. cramps

2. bloating

3. Migraine

4. lower back pain

5. birthing hips

6. over processed hair

7. a bad mani/pedi.

What did God give us those excuses for ladies if you aren't gonna whip them out whenever your love wants to ride a Dune buggy or have sex? C'mon!!!!!!

Okay, so those are my three. If you watched The Bachelor on Monday night, or even if you didn't, go ahead and tell me why you would never be asked to be on a show like this. Because I can almost bet, if you are reading this blog right now you are NOT riding in a Dune Buggy with a man holding a rose. I'm just sayin'.