Since When Are Walking and Teeth That Big of a Deal?

I feel like I am living in some kind of parallel universe, where up is down, right is wrong, teeth are for more than just tenderizing sirloin and walking is overrated.

And let me go on record right now as saying: Teeth ARE NOT for more than tenderizing sirloin. God gave us teeth for meat. The end. Amen.

But down here in the 75904 people are all caught up in what goes on with their teeth. Which is shocking to me considering I just knew I was moving to a town where people had very few teeth and were proud of it. But again - parallel universe. Turns out that people down here are freakish about their teeth. In the four weeks I've been here:

• The AG had his braces removed, he is now looking into teeth whitening (and apparently he is trying to land a gig on the Gameshow Network, who knew.)
• My dad had braces put on.
• My little sister is getting her braces removed.
• My mom informed me one of her tooth(s) / teeth / teeths / toothies is completely fake (please, if you see her in the grocery store, ask her to open up and try to guess which one it is, she loves that).
• My uncle Donald is having one of his extracted.
• And Rocco has decided to grow a pair. (Of teeth, that is. I realize now that sentence sounded horrible.)

Of course, as of now, Rocco seems to be the only one drooling. But I reckon it's only a matter of time before the others catch on. Rocco seems to be the only one who has figured out, "If I drool enough then they allow me to take naps, give me tons of ice cream to eat, and don't spank me for spitting food out onto the floor. They also seem to think my irrational amount of poo diapers is due to 'the tooth' coming in, when in reality its all the stinkin' Blue Bell. Idiots."

Now I am feeling the pressure to have my teeth cleaned. Not that I'm in a hurry, it's been like, six years, so chances are if they're gonna fall out they are probably too far gone.

And the walking. Oh, the walking.

• My two aunts were walking every evening, but I've since convinced them to join me in the pool for synchronized swimming. I mean, aerobics.
• My Granny, bless her, wants to walk but has hurt her knee and can't. It could have been when she fell in my moms room and no one was there to help her up. As she put it, "I was on the floor like a beetle and no one came to help me!" (Which beckons the question, if a Granny falls in the bedroom does she make a sound? If it's my Granny, the answer would be YES!)
• Rocco has decided that five steps is enough for him. They are consecutive, I'll give him that. But other than that it's a no-go. He feels Nonie's arms are quite warm and comfy and not nearly as time consuming as moving your feet.
• Last night I tried on a pair of my jeans. Nope. The AG suggested I start walking. What is this grand fascination with all the walking?

So here I am in the 75904 with people all like, "Hey, Melissa, you should really call the dentist and get your teeth cleaned and also you should start walking for your health..."

What is up with that? Next thing you know they'll be nagging me to get my cholesterol checked and my hair washed. Great! The last thing I expected when I moved back home with my mom was to be nagged all day. Oh, wait...