If It's Not One Thing It's Your Mother.

My mother is in town.

Expect this week's posts to be vivid and colorful, to say the least. The very least.

I was pleasantly surprised when she flew in to see me and the kids this weekend. It would be great to have her here since the AG has been traveling so much with work. She might not be the cornerstone of First Aid (i.e. I caught her trying to give a small strawberry to my 6 month old. Just so you know, that can result in DEATH) but the woman can cook.

Of course, here's the proverbial question for anyone who's ever had a surprise guest: How do you, without appearing rude, get the 4-1-1 on how long they'll be staying?

You can't just say, "So....it's great you're here. When you headed back?"

And this doesn't work, trust me, I've tried it: "So let me see your plane ticket? I gotta see where you sat."

So what do you say?

With anyone else you might have to tiptoe around the issue, not with your mother. Or at least not with mine. Heck, she'd ask me. I mean, this is the same woman who once called me at work and asked me if I had "brushed my teeth and put on 'bo-bo.'"

"Uh, mom. I'm 27, so can you stop calling it 'bo-bo?'"

"You haven't answered my question."

"I don't have to answer your question. I'm 27. I am at a place of business. I think that should be a fairly positive sign that I brushed my teeth and put on deodorant."


"Well, you never know. I had to remind you to brush your teeth every day you were in high school."

"Okay, I have to go now..."

"Don't hang up on me, I called you. You can't hang up when I call you. I get to hang up."

"Well, then will you hang up?

"No, I'm not done talking to you."

"What do you want, mother?"

"I want to know if you brushed your teeth and put on bo-bo?"

"Yes. I brushed my teeth and I put on deodorant. I also ate my fiber and wore my seatbelt."

"Fine." Click.

HA! I had forgotten to brush my teeth that day!! Take that! And I certainly didn't eat fiber. Fiber is for losers.

So anyway, she walked in on Friday, gave me a huge hug and proceeded to say, "Your neck looks dirty. Do you use a loofah?" And I proceeded to ask, "So mom, when you headed back?"

"I just got here. And your already ready for me to go?"

"No, I'm not. I'm just curious as to when you have to go. I want us to be able to do so so much while you're here and I need to know how to plan."

"Uh, huh, right. What color is your hair?"

"Well, it's kind of a..."

"And it's long. Gosh, it's gotten so long."

*Note to readers: When someone says "you're hair has gotten so long," and that's all they say - then what they are actually saying is, "so what are your plans with all that hair you got there? Got any ideas on what your going to do with it? Cause you can't just let it continue to hang there like that?"

"Well, yeah, I'm trying to let it grow. You look good, mom."

"I'm old. And my bones hurt from sitting on that plane so long. You know I think my plurisy is back. Do you have any Tylenol? And do you have any bananas, my potassium is low. Also, you might need to run to the store and get my Diet Coke. You never have Diet Coke and you know how I have to have my Diet Coke. I thought you were showing your house this week in order to sell it? You let people come into this house looking like this? What is that one the floor? Potatoes? Where are the kids? Have they been good? You spank Remi too much."

"Hey mom, show me your plane ticket. I wanna see where you sat!!"