I Am...

I promised a special LOST edition of the Stretch Marks Times, so here it is. Don't hold your breath, it won't be good. Or maybe you can hold your breath, cuz it also won't be long. Your choice.

Here goes. This is what I know so far:

1. Ben has a short man complex. This is a very real sickness as I have known many a man who came down with it. (But then again I also once dated a man and turned him gay, so who's to say my track record on men is really worth discussing.)

2. Kate looks good with make-up. Kate looks good without make-up. I hate Kate.

3. Charles Widmore is really really hacked off about something.

4. Jin is alive. I believe this to be true thanks to Tara Mathews, the bill collector from last night's episode of American Idol who has E.S.P. and can tell when people on T.V. are going to die. If she says he's alive - he's alive; which she didn't say, mind you, but I still think it.

5. Jack looks good with a beard. Jack looks good without a beard. I love Jack.

6. If I had one of those wheels in my house that could turn back time, I would go back to the summer of '84 when I had that polka-dot swimdress and honestly thought I looked like Marilyn Monroe. (Somewhere right now my BFF Nikki is spitting her Coke across the room.)

7. Maybe it's just me, but I think it's ttoootttaaallllllyyy obvious that Juliet had a boob job somewhere on that island between last season and this season.

8. Hurley has the best job of any actor in Hollywood. Someone told him, "You have been hired to be on a groundbreaking new show. It will be an overnight hit. Go live on an island for five months at a time and Hurley, listen to me, this is very important....are you listening? Do not - under any circumstances - lose weight. Do you understand? Eat. Eat, whatever you want, as much as you want and for as long as you want. Is that clear? Oh, and you don't have to bathe if you don't want to."

9. I was addicted to Archie Comic books when I was a kid, so it was especially endearing to see the H bomb named "Jughead." But I believe if you were to re-arrange the letters in "Jughead" they spell out... "AreyouseriouslytryingtomakesomethingoutofasimplewordlikeJugheadyouidiot?"

10. Aaron is the best baby ever. When Kate looked at him in the backseat he was sitting quietly coloring in his book. There were no sippy cups or french fries strewn about. There was not snot running down his nose nor was he screaming "I have to go poo-poo real bad." But then again chances are he's the son of Satan, so I suppose it's six of one half a dozen...

Does this tell any of you how LOST I truly am?

The bright side to all of this is that I may not have figured out the mysteries behind my favorite show, but I've figured out another of life's great mysteries...why men never ask for directions.

Because sometimes being LOST really is the most fun.