Aug 6, 2008

There's A New Sherriff In Town.

I wasn't sure what to title today's post as it could have been titled a myriad of things. Yes, I used the word myriad. I'm educated like that.

It could have been:

What the Crap Is Wrong With My Child?

Potty Chairs are for Losers.


I'm Going to Sue Walt Disney. Who's With Me?

But I hate to use the word "crap" in my blog. It's just tasteless, ya know. So I thought better of that one.

I also hated to point out that potty chairs are for losers since so many of my friend's kids use them. But I gotta tell ya, I'm pretty much on the cutting edge of things and so I think it's safe to say DIAPERS are coming back in, y'all. No kidding. Very soon potty chairs will be out - and diapers will be making a come back.

So why would I want to spend all that time potty training when I can just keep the kid in diapers? It's gonna be awfully awkward for those parents when they have to tell their kids, "Yes, I know you did all this hard work but Miss Melissa is right. Potty chairs are for losers. And you don't want to be a loser do you? No. You don't. So take off those big girl panties, put on these Nemo diapers and start peeing on yourself. NOW!"

Man, that's gonna be hard for so many of y'all.

Not for me, though. Nope. Not for me.

Cause you see, my child won't pee on the potty. Just won't do it. Oh, we tried it. Yes, we did. We tried it lots and lots and lots of times. In fact, what we tried yesterday we shall never discuss with anyone.

You hear me?


With anyone.

Because it's embarrassing.

But let's just say mommy is down to her last nerve. After this nerve, there are no more nerves left on poor mommy. So mommy did something yesterday that even daddy couldn't believe. Even poor daddy walked in the house after a long, hard day drinking coffee with people and was astonished at what he saw. But not Remi. Remi loved every minute of mommy making a big, fat fool of herself. Remi ate it up. With a spoon.

And now mommy is going to have to hire someone to "talk to" for one hour a week for the next couple of weeks.

And yet, after all that, when the big moment finally came and it was time to sit on the throne and reap the reward of her labor - my child FLIPPED OUT! I don't capitalize out of drama, but out of necessity.

She flipped.

She freaked.

She became stiff as a board.

Screamed and cried till her eyes swelled shut.

Sweated herself down.

And ran around the house screaming, "No Mommy. Monsters! Monsters! Potty scares me! There's monsters in there! No Mommy! Pleeeaassseee Mommy!"

Then ran screaming and crying to the couch. And peed all over it.


Darn that stinkin' Walt Disney with their dressing up Monsters and giving them the voices of silly little Billy Crystal with his wide-eyed innocence. Or John Goodman with his everyman/gentle giantness. Darn them!!

And darn me for letting her watch it 24 times in a row so mommy and daddy can have some grown-up talk.

See where it's gotten me? Now she won't pee.

And where has she learned to be fearful like that? Certainly, not me. I'm not afraid of monsters. How childish. Like I have to look all through the house when I get home for monsters? Yeah, right.

Now serial killers, maybe. But that's a different story. Because those are real. And I feel the definite possibility that if one was to be on the loose that he would most definitely find my home and claim me as his own. So yeah, serial killers. Oh, and that hockey masked guy from the Halloween movies. Oh, and that man who used to narrate the old show "Unsolved Mysteries." AARGH! When he would talk I would wet myself. So yeah, sometimes I check my house for him. Or for Big Kenny of the country music group, Big & Rich. He is extremely dis-setteling to me in his big, tall, hats and I do, on occasion, have nightmares about him.

But other than that - she must get her fear from her father.

Either way, the situation has to be rectified. So, we have put away Monsters, Inc. which has been met with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And we have compensated with - you guessed it - BUYING HER SOMETHING.

Oh yeah...we made a fast trip to the Disney Store.

Because isn't that how every parent tries to compensate?

Yep, the company I wanted to sue just yesterday I now find myself handing my credit card to. Why? So she has someone protecting her at night when Mommy is too busy hiding in her closet from the shadowy likeness of Big Kenny.

Please, people, tell me I'm not alone. Aren't you scared of anything?

Oh, and if you leave a post that says...

"I'm not scared of anything Melissa. I own the Big & Rich CD. And my child has been using the potty since 20 months old,"

it shall be deleted at the blog owners request.


My2Gs said...

I found your blog about a month ago, and I am hooked. I love love love your humor :) Thank you for making me laugh at 6:30 in the morning.

I hear ya on the Unsolved Mysteries guy! I would always hurry up and turn the channel when that would come on.

~ Lacie

Givinya De Elba said...

Remi is just gorgeous!

Midwest Mommy said...

We just bought Monsters Inc, now it is goign in the drawer never to be found...

Does Anybody Hear Me said...

My son would not poo in the potty until he was 4 years old. No amount of pleading, crying, yelling on my part would persuade him to do it. Spiderman underwear did, though. "Big Boy' underwear he called it. Once he got his Spidey underpants, he never looked back at the diapers!

Oh and the 'Sixth Sense' freaked me out. I don't believe in ghosts for one minute, but when I am sleeping and hear a noise in my room, I won't open my eyes just in case I am wrong and there is a ghost standing there looking at me! Ha! And when Mr. Big is out of town, the kids have to sleep with me to 'protect' me!

Anonymous said...

How old is Remi? Elizabeth will be 3 in November, and she's still running around in diapers. She just doesn't care, and I'm sick of fighting her over it.

I swear our daughter's would be best friends. Or, pull each other's hair in Sunday school. You never know about those weird preschool kids. :)

Big Nanny said...

Remember when you said that you wouldn't mind hosting one of those preschool mommy night out things at your house...well, you shouldn't have told me about the pee on the couch. I might have to reconsider that one now. Or you'll just have to let me sit in your Vestal chair.

Ashley said...

Warning: Toy Story is almost as bad with the reconfigured dolls that hide in the dark and come out with their freakish body parts.

My fear: Birds! It is a long involved story that includes a mission trip to a beach where I fell asleep on said beach and my friends threw Cheez-Its over my head and I woke up to a flock of sea gulls swarming me...never been the same since.

Amy said...

I hear ya girl! I am SOOOO tired of using my sweet mommy voice and saying "Don't pee-pee on spiderman" while Nate looks at me like "HUH? I already did pee on him". He takes off all of his diapers and just 2 days ago he poo-poo'd on my couch. Yeah. You know what though? I remember this same thing going on with my middle son when time to train him. I waited and then HE was ready and there were very few accidents. So..hang in there and wait. It will be easier then. And you rarely hear of a child going to Kindergarten in diapers! Isn't that comforting?!

Kristen said...

You know what this post made me think of? The time we were sitting in the car in a grocery store parking lot in Jacksonville, Texas and you SWORE to me that you saw the Zodiac Killer walk into the store.

Mindy said...

I ask my 2 year old "Do you want a sticker?" She says "YES!" "OK, then, go pee pee on the potty." She responds "I don't want it" and goes about her business.

This is the EXACT same response when I ask if she wants Fruit Snacks, or a popsicle, or pretty panties or any of the things she loves.

Then when I put her on the potty she says (immediately) "all done!" as she is crying and reaching up for me to get her off. When I get her off, she pees on the bathroom floor.

I am with you - Diapers are SO in!

Lauren W said...

Ha! Wow... I can't actually relate, as I don't yet have kids, but man... How frustrating!
Anyway... I have an irrational fear of moths. Does that count?

Vicki is Not So SAHM said...

I'm not afraid of anything and I wear Big's hat.
Just kidding. I do say crap a lot on my blog (but it's always got a strikethrough). I'm all about being lower class...

We use rewards for skills learned and aren't ashamed to do it at all. We had a sticker chart and candy to pass out when our oldest went on the "big girl potty".

I've heard, as I'm sure you have, kids aren't going to potty train unless they're absolutely ready. I have one friend who didn't even begin to try with her kids until they were three or older. Hopefully that gives you a little bit of encouragement.

Connie said...

Melissa, you just never cease to crack me up.
Coming from a mom who has potty trained 5 kids (no wonder I'm crazy)...I'm going to put this into perspective for you:
When you filled out your first job application did they ask you "what age were you finally potty trained?" Does it really matter? Eventually it happens and when it does, it will be a cause for celebration. Every kid is different... some hate the little potty but do well on the big potty, others are so afraid of falling in and getting sucked into the abyss when the toilet flushes...
My biggest fear? Using the restroom and overflowing the toilet. I have some very deep seated emotional trauma involving overflowing I'm with you...diapers are totally the way to go!

Anonymous said...

Okay Mel I don't have time to cover the whole thing but let me say this.. it's probably the flushing part that she hates. Olivia was the LAST one of my "friends" kids who FINALLY used the potty.. I tried everything you can imagine and finally one day in the Dillards ladies room stall number one (they're always cleaner) she told me... screamed at me... while I was on the potty.. DON'T FLUSH MOMMMA...DON'T FLUSH!!!The light bulb went off. Detials if you want them.. you know where to find me..Love you sister girl!

Kimberly J

Sidney said...

Let's just say I'm glad my six are all potty-trained...

Now if I could just get those darned boys to actually LIFT the seat.....

Caution Flag said...

It will happen when she is ready. That's how everything will progress for the rest of her life. I finally get that now.

What frightens me? When I was a kid there was a show called Dark Shadows. That was a problem for me. So was the show, The Munsters.

Ronnica said...

Thanks for sharing and allowing us all to laugh along with you! (and giving me further evidence that I in no way need to deal with children not yet school-aged)

Lacey in the Sky said...

Oh NO! I never thought about there being MONSTERS in the potty! SNAKES, however, is another story! I just know that surely there will be a snake in there during one of those middle of the night pees when you can't really open your eyes. Monsters in the potty... ugh, great!

Goodluck with it all! (Just never mention the snakes!)

Melissa Workman said...

I am scared of the dark, strange men at rest areas and Freddy Kruger. And don't feel bad about Remi not wanting to pee in the potty - at 3 1/2 Kendall decided she was no longer going to go #2 - "It's gross, I no do it" was her quote. And to this day - she is 10 now - she is scared of the magic potty - you know the ones that flush on their own whether or not you are finished. When traveling, I always have to go into bathrooms first and make sure that they are not "magic potties". I never knew that having children involved so much potty talk!!!

Deanna said...

Oh! I love Woody too!! (ack! I didn't just say that!)

I've been eyeing the potty chairs at the stores when I shop for diapers and I d-r-e-a-d it. I thinking about forgoing the potty chair in favor of one of those little seats that sets on the regular potty seat. Of course, that would only be used part of the time since little boy will want to stand and tinkle in the potty. I already have visions of pee-writing on the wall....and lots of giggling from baby and daddy. Never thought of monsters in the potty, though.

I used to be horribly afraid of swimming pool drains...I could just see myself getting sucked into it by accident. Now I'm afraid of riding a bicycle...only two wheels freaks me out.

Deanna said...

Poor Remi. You make her sit on this big giant hole and then push this button that sucks everything down.... what if you accidentally push the button before she is ready and then it sucks her down?? (That was my Little Guy's explanation of why he was afraid of the big bad potty!!)

My fear? Missing a day of your blog!!!

Blissful Nikki said...

yyyeaaahhhhhhhh!! Potty Training is a B*tch! lol Sorry for my language, but its hard! Thank goodness, we had a teacher in preschool that did it all for me! Seriously, one day Lagan was in diapers, the next, she was in panties! I was SHOCKED!
I love the movie ab out woody though, toooooo funny! So typical of our kids! hehe

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

I'm scared of that guy with the clown mask on that really disturbing rape episode of Little House On the Prairie.

My kids are scared of toilets that flush themselves.

Amy said...

Don't feel bad, my oldest daughter did not use the potty until she was 3 1/2!! I thought she'd never do it, but she did it when she was ready.

I'm scared of the "Unsolved Mysteries" guy too! He is spooky!

Britt said...

Oh I feel for you. My two year old is stubborn as can be. She'll sit on her potty chair for an hour (no joke) and then get up because she is "Done!" then pee on my floor.

So I totally agree. Diapers are the new potty chair.

I check my house for serial killers too. I even make my husband look under the bed and in the closet. And because he doesn't look in the dark recesses, or check to make sure they aren't using their killer talents to hang from the top and hide, I check. Christopher Walkin makes me want wee from fear. He's just so creepy!

Rhea said...

Your Remi is adorable (as opposed to my Remy, who is currently on my bad list).

You did it, didn't you? You sat on the plastic potty and went. I know you did.

Me said...

Oh, the fickle love of a toddler. Poor Woody, to be unloved so quickly.

I refused to use a potty chair and insisted my parents buy me a stool so I could use the big potty. That said, my mother had all of us potty-trained at 18 months because we were born 19 & 20 months apart and she WOULD NOT have 2 children in diapers at once. Once she'd done the first 2 by 18 months, she figured why do any differently with the 3rd, but that was decades ago, and things were different then, and the daycare charged extra if you weren't potty trained by 2. Good Luck!

Shelley said...

Hey Melissa,

I so bad want to know what you did that you didn't tell us about.

As for potty training, my last one was almost 3 1/2 before she would use the potty. She used it once and then was terrified from that point on.
It was always a crying fight from tht point on. I wound up sitting in the hallway floor just inside the bathroom door every time she had to go.
She would walk past two perfectly good toilets, go in her older brother's room or hers or mine. Climb up on the bed, cover up and then poop in her pants.
I was so frustrated, I just didn't know what to do. Then I started giving her a little mini MilkyWay candybar if she pooped in the toilet. She started pooping in the potty and we never had any accidents or anything. Just like that at a little before she was 4 1/2 (which is good cause they won't take them in KG if they can't go number 2 by themselves).

And for all of y'all that are judging me about bribing her with candy, it's true, I did it. And I don't regret it for a minute.

Kimberly said...

I totally understand about the serial killers thing...I am paranoid ever since someone tried to break into my apartment last year.
I am also so freaked out by the unsolved mysteries guy too! Oh my gosh! He always scared the daylight out of me!

Creative Images by Leah said...

Don't sweat the potty training! It will come in it's own good time. It's not worth the frustration and tears! Make it a non-issue and trust me that one day she'll let you know she's ready.

I thought my son would NEVER be potty trained! It was probably the most frustrating thing I had ever gone through, it led to many tears and tactics. I had to send him to Kindergarten with plastic pants on over his underoos and he still had plenty of accidents then. HOWEVER, I'm proud to say that he is starting high school in 3 weeks and all is well. By the middle of 1st grade he finally decided he didn't want mom to have to run a new pair of clothes up to the school all the time ;o)

Alicia (dna) said...

I wish I had some "great" advice for you Melissa, but I don't. Potty training stinks!

I would've paid some good money and I mean good money, for someone to take my child for a week. Is there a potty training camp?

Anyway, my simple advice is you can't make them use the potty. They have complete control, so you can't force the issue. Try again in a month. She may be ready. If not, wait another month. Try again.

She won't go to kindergarten in diapers, even though you think she might!

Been there...survived it...this too shall pass!

Kendra said...

Making you a list of things I'm not afraid of would be a LOT shorter. But, bugs and spiders are at the top of the list, and Gollum from Lord of the Rings - and I check the house once or twice every night just to make sure its all locked up and no one is hiding.

My daughter was so afraid she'd poop in the tub that she refused to go near one without going insane - for a YEAR! But, that just ended so things are much better now. I'll pray for better potty days to come :).

Karen in MN said...

My boys didn't care if they every used the toilet. I remember wondering if I would be sending them to school with diapers in their backpacks. And then I had a revalation - Potty training age is NOT an any Resume` and is not a question asked at a job interview! When I realized that, I allowed myself to relax. No more screaming (for any of us). These babies of mine are now 22 & 24 yrs old and wonderful gentlemen. Give yourself premission to let it take it's course.
Love your blog, you are so much like my dearest friends/therapists. May God continue to bless, Karen in MN

Tracy P. said...

I remember raging, yes, RAGING into my laundry room with one more peed on garment screaming "I. AM. SOOOO. DONE. WITH BODY FLUIDS!!!" (Or was it the barfed on bed linens at two in the morning after having to bathe the kid with the long hair until she came clean?) At any rate, the compounded effect of all of that is simply mind-numbing, and I could have pled temporary insanity to any crime on more than one occasion. By the grace of God I never committed any of those crimes...

She is SOOO cute! Just try to remember that. :-)

Leighann said...

My 3 yr. old trained for pee in one day after an intense morning of training (Toilet Training Your Child in Under a Day by Richard Foxx) but refused to go poo on the pot for over a week. I finally read in another book to go to the dollar store and buy 5 things your child likes. Put them on the counter in plain view and every day tell her in the a.m. that if she keeps her panties clean and dry all day she can choose a toy at dinner time. It worked for my daughter. No problems after that. I agree with another post that said to make sure to wait until the child is ready before starting. There are 5 or so criteria to look for...also in the book above and probably online. I can't remember them all now. Good luck!

Kendrawolf said...

I had trouble potty training my kids too. The pediatrician always told me not to stress, that kids rarely start kindergarten wearing diapers. And gosh darn it if he wasn't right! The kids finally potty trained and even eventually stopped wetting the bed.

John Deere Mom said...

Let that child wear her diaper and be proud of it! :) Can you tell we had some potty training issues in my house with the Boy?! It will happen. Oh yes, yes it will. Just let the child do her own thing. It won't help if you are stressing and all without nerves. We need nerves. Otherwise, we couldn't ever say, "You're on my last nerve!"

Robin said...

My older daughter would sit on the potty until she had "ring around the booty." I had it in front of the tv, with a book, everything. Finally, finally, she just did it. Hang in there!

Tiffany Crawford said...

No child I've ever seen goes to Kindergarten in a diaper--well not all day, anyway.

Patience. It is something that only comes from God. Try prayer.

Control. It is something that you have none of when it comes to your child peeing in the toilet.

Negotiation. It is the process of potty training. Making her think she's in control, but subtly "encouraging" her to go to the bathroom--in the toilet and not on the couch.

Choices. What you should give her when it comes to going potty. Do you want ME to pull down your panties or do YOU want to? Do YOU want to flush the toilet or do you want ME to? Do you want to tell me when you need to go potty or do you want ME to tell you?

Stress. A child can feel your stress and any changes in the household. Potty training will be more difficult in times like these.

This may help...


Heather W said...

Can I just say that Remi is a doll. Of course I can and I did. I think her and my son would get along great since he is also a huge fam of Monsters Inc. and scared of monsters too. He also loves Toy Story, or as he calls it "The Buzz Movie". I am also going through the terrible days of potty training and just when I thought we were well on our way, my son poops on my foot. I gagged. But here I am still taking the kid to the toilet and putting him in underwear. When will I ever learn. I swear to it the next person that says to me "Don't Worry he won't go to kindergarten in diapers", I will punch square in the face. I mean it!!!!

Kelly said...

Poor Woody, dissed after the friend theme song!

Maria Diane said...

I love your blog, you always make me laugh! Thanks.

I am not a mother, I have no potty training advice for children, but I did successfully train a puppy to pee outside... it took 5 months but he no longer pees on my carpet! I'm convinced it was the smell and the feel of the grass. Until I found "good" grass, the kind that feels good on your feet and not the crappy grass that feels funny, he wouldn't pee outside. So, my advice is to make your toilet seat as comfy as your couch. ;)

Merrie said...

What're you, kidding me?! We went to hades and back with our son. His entire 3rd year of life we had what we fondly called "The Poop Basket." If he ever took care of business on the potty instead of his underwear, he got to pick a prize from it. It often got dusty up there, and we were going out of our minds, when all of a sudden he just *got it.* Astounding. I'm amazed I still have any hair left.