Aug 4, 2008

Peggy and Me and Pitt and Jolie.


Oh, please. Don't act like you ain't gonna buy it.

Apparently a couple of weeks ago some little known couple, I think their names are Brent and Ashley, gave birth to twins.

Big deal.

I know a lady who's cat, Peggy, got pregnant like 30 times, and I don't remember anybody selling pictures of that for a 14 million dollar fee.

Apparently though, these kids are different.
Apparently they have a pretty good chance of being spectacularly gorgeous.
And apparently Bob and Amanda are spectacularly wealthy.
And apparently there are like 14 nannies standing by to help out. (I don't know that for a fact. So I hope Amanda doesn't leave me a comment correcting me...cuz I hear she's a big fan of Stretch Marks.)

But still I say, big deal.

Peggy The Cat was part calico - part barn cat, so she was kind of pretty, although she had that one malfunctioning teet that hung down longer than all the others.

And considering Peggy lived in a barn and ate rats for dinner I'm not guessing she was very well-off.

And no, there were no nannies standing by ready to help Peggy the Cat with her litter of 17. Although there was a snake and a 17 pound rat that kept a pretty close eye on them. IfyouknowwhatImean.

But I digress.

So, Bert and Angel are a good-looking couple. Of this, I think we can agree. But let's take a look at something, shall we? Take a look at that picture again. Look closely now...

Is that a nightgown she's wearing?

And not just any nightgown, but one of those JCPenney style gowns that you can find me in any night of the week between the hours of 6pm and 10am? Granted, mine looks a little different. It's blue. With little white flowers on it. And it reeks of fajitas. (Please believe me when I say, I don't know why. I have washed it one million times.)

Oh, and when I wear it I tend to pull my hair back in bobby pins all over my head and wear a seaweed mask on my T-zone. But other than those few differences I think it's safe to say, due to the JCPenney nightgown, we look eerily similar.

It's the Attorney General who's the problem. He doesn't look ANYTHING like Bart. NOTHING! And I'll be honest, sometimes I feel like he's holding me back.

Sooooo...all this to say, you know you're gonna go and buy that magazine. You know you are. Your curiosity won't let you pass the check-out line and not purchase it. I am. I readily admit it. If you see me in Publix - you shall see it in my buggy - and you are free to ridicule me and point and stare and roll your eyes. And wonder why I would spend my money on that instead of something healthy and green to eat.

But hey! I'm just trying to help them build an orphanage in Jaggempet, India or Tampa Bay - I'm not sure what they really said. So pretty much it's just me doing my part of making this world a better place.

Besides, let me go on record as saying that if the AG and I were on the cover of that magazine, with me in my JCPenney nightgown, the title "Introducing the Twins..." would take on a whole new meaning.

And that, my friends, would bring in some dough.

46 comments:

Midwest Mommy said...

You are so funny!
I totally forgot those pics were out yesterday. I am curious what they look.

Karol said...

Bahahhahah!!!

A whole new meaning to the word 'twins'...niiiiccceee!

You're a riot! Thanks for my morning laugh!

Vicki said...

Ohh, I love it. I need you more than caffein in the morning. Can you please write more than once a day? I'm beginning homeschooling this week, and I'm going to need some pick-me-ups throughout the day. What's that? You have archives? Oh, I just counted and you have enough posts to get me through one a day for the rest of the schoolyear. Still. I need fresh Stretch Marks.

Jaci said...

Her nightgown probably cost $800 and was handmade by French nuns. But, is that a makeup free face? If so, bravo Angelina! Nothing says "new mom" like a JC Penney nightgown and no makeup.

But Brad? Honey, I hate to say it, but your face is starting to go. Wow! Wrinkles and crinkles and age, oh my!

Melisa@andbabywillmake4 said...

Nope, not buying it, will just read it at the library.

Anonymous said...

You are precious, Melissa! Your humor is a gift to all of us whose days are brightened by your wit. God bless you!!
homentx/Gail

Lula! said...

I'm not buying it, either. Wait...I'm a suscriber. OK, well then...whatever.

The only thing that gets me excited about these two is when total strangers and/or close friends remark, "Caroline looks just like that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt."

What? What did you say? MY child looks like the progeny of Pitt and Jolie? Why, thank you. Thankyouverymuch.

Todd Wright said...

Don't know which part I found funnier - the random names of these two or the nightgown that reeks of fajitas.

Either way...nicely done!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

I wanna see Astelle in a faded high school t-shirt... then she and I can be friends. Until that happens, she should just stop calling, cause I'm not going to answer.

bigjohnsgirl said...

I think someone should pay me $14million for pictures of my baby when it gets here. If it ever gets here!! That would be nice and I'm sure that my baby will be cute enough to get $14mil. Right?

Hey head on over to my blog for a fabulous giveaway this week!!
www.bigjohnsgirl77.blogspot.com

Ashley said...

TEEEE HEEE HEEE

Trace said...

I was pretty irked when I saw that recent "they did IVF" headline (actually I've had enough of celebrity pregnancies). When I head about the amount of money they got for the pictures of their twins all I thought was that if she would like to help 3rd would countries as much as she says, she could put that picture money to good use in one of those countries.

Ok, done ranting on my part. You are pretty funny!

Mrs. S said...

I'm sure the AG would rather see those twins any day!!! How stinking funny!

And I probably won't buy it.

Wags said...

Oh Melissa, you crack me up.

I must be more of a cheapskate than you, cause if you see me in line at Publix, I'll be looking at it as I wait, then put it back before it's time to pay for my stuff. After all... that's what the Internet is for.

Haven't you ever heard of Google?

anne said...

hillarious...found you via Laurie W. :)

Karen said...

LOL !! I love your sense of humour. :-)

Amy said...

You are too funny! And for the record...I will not be buying that magazine! Im cheap like that!

Ronnica said...

The funny thing is, they just look like babies. Like most babies look. We'll have to wait until they're older to see if they are as ridiculously gorgeous as their parents.

Me said...

The really sad part is that she probably paid like $500 for that JC-Penny-knock-off nightgown because some famous designer's label is in it and scratching the back of her neck! At least they're not keeping the money!

Amy said...

I subscribe to People, so I'll be getting it whether I want it or not. I think it's sad to have someone pay you for pictures of your kid. Even if it goes out to a cause, your kids are not to make money off of. They are real people. Uggh.

Kally said...

How Funny! I was totally thinking her "dress" looked like my Penneys nightgown too. I will not be purchasing the mag (sorry, I'm cheap) but I can guarantee I will find those pics in it while waiting in line to check out.

Love your blog!

Michelle said...

You are too funny!!

Caution Flag said...

I'm with Wags. I'll find the longest line so I can safely read the article before it's my turn to check out.

Now that I think about it, I don't sound so good.

Heather said...

I want to thank you for confirming that Angie IS indeed wearing a moomoo. It's the FIRST thing that struck me about that picture. I said to myself, "Self, is that the same moomoo I saw at the Wal Mart?"

Lacey in the Sky said...

Crying laughing ...

I love that your nightgown smells like fajitas! I have a jacket that smells like margaritas ... however, I know exactly why(uhm, whoopsie!) Either way, it's been dry cleaned twice and I still smell like a mexican lush when i wear it. It's my "signature scent" I suppose?!

Sherri - KaysvilleMomma said...

I LOVE THIS POST!!! You know --- women ---- some women (not you and not me)get pregnant all the time --- and beautiful babies are born all the time --- it happens ---- I don't find it news worthy!!! Seriously -- I guess if they are celebs then being on the cover of people or something is good --- but what bugs me is that the 6 o'clock news people think it's BREAKING NEWS!!

Kristen Schiffman said...

I seriously thought the same thing about her nightgown when I first saw this picture. lol.

Melissa said...

Please don't poke fun at the mommy nursing gown I sent her. I'm just surprised she chose to wear on the cover of People instead of just sending me a personal thank you card. Some people have no class! It's like, duh, I know you got it. I better get that thank you soon, or I'm on the next plane to Katmandu. I think that's where she said they would be. I'll call Beaurugard. Amelia won't answer. She is nursing twins and we all know she will have forgotten to put the cordless in reaching distance before she sat down and latched the pups on.

Tracy said...

No joke - I went to Walgreens early this morning to get my copy. I have an unhealthy obsession with collecting baby pic magazines. Whatever.

But Walgreens, those weenies... didn't have it yet!

So... I called my mom and said, "Hey mom, you're on vacay this week... go run to walmart and grab me this mag."

She's like, "you're sending me out in the heat and stormy weather for a magazine?!"

"No, mom, of course not. I'm sending you out for a magazine with Angelina and the twins on it."

It made perfect sense to me.

Breanne Vasquez said...

Ha Ha - I am going to buy it.

Hipmomofboyz said...

I just found your blog and I love it> I just got home from Target and guess what was in my bag? You know it , the new People, and I feel like I did my part to help the world...lol

One- said...

It's hard to imagine that they will sell enough magazines to cover the millions of dollars that they are paying them. I did hear that they are giving it all to charity, which is a good thing. I have the perfect charity, me! I will gladly take it. I mean trying to put gas in my SUV, buy school supplies, school clothes, keep food in the house, and try and get rid of these gray hairs! Who can afford it all anymore! Send me the money, please! Ok, I won't even be greedy. Dont send me the whole thing. I don't even need 1 million. I will only expect a check in the mail for 2,500 dollars. That should cover the upcoming expenses! I mean some people are struggling to feed their kids, and People magazine is giving them 14 million dollars for a picture. Ok, now I am getting a bit mad. I better go! Thanks for the laughs.

Amy said...

I love fajitas...we should hang out in our matching PJ's sometime, with the mask and all!

you are a crack-up

Amy Jo

Kelly said...

I've already harrassed my co-worker (who gets a subscription) to cough up the issue. She claims she hasn't gotten it yet, but I think she's holding out!

Anonymous said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH Good Law that's funny!!! And ya know... when I "saw" the cover the VERY first thing I said was why in the world does "Helen" have on a ..here it comes and I swear I said this to Olivia... J.C. Penny Night Gown! Bless her heart.. she is just one of us... a real
common-er... Oh No wait..

SHE WAS SET UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kimberly J

Rhea said...

You crack me up. Big time.

I'm totally gonna buy it. No matter how much I pretend not to really read it, then sneak online to read...this issue I'm gonna buy. I'm totally fascinated by Brad and Angelina and totally embarrassed about it. But, they're so amazing...and nice to look at as well.

DYSFUNCTIONAL MOM said...

I'll probably buy it. Their first bio daughter is truly beautiful. The gown is kinda weird though!

DYSFUNCTIONAL MOM said...

I'll probably buy it. Their first bio daughter is truly beautiful. The gown is kinda weird though!

Ruby said...

I laughed the whole way thru....and then died at your "introducing the twins" comment about yourself.

I love you Melissa! You kill me.

Rhonda said...

I have to admit to you that I will not buy this magazine.

I will stand in front of the "no loitering" sign and open up the magazine right in the store until I get my fill.

Then I will put the magaine back on the shelf and go through the till to buy my chocolate.

Because that's just what beautiful people do to me.

Scary Mommy said...

I am laughing my ass of at this post! My first thought upon seeing that pic was, what the hell is she wearing?!!!!

Single Girl said...

I sat here chuckling through you're story and sipping my cup of coffee. Then I got to the last part about "introducing the twins" taking on a whole new meaning...and I actually just snorted coffee out my nose and onto my computer screen. Sorry for the disgusting visual, but it shows how amusing your story was to me.

thotlady said...

I'm with scarry mommy, what WAS she wearing? I have nightgowns nicer than that.

Very funny post! I think this says something about the superficial world we live in. Paying people for photos of their children.

What's next, photos of their daily constitutional?

Lauren@ThingishThings said...

Ha! That last line really gave me a chuckle!

Angela said...

I mean, seriously, you are hilarious!

That is SO a JCPenney nightgown.

Soliloquy said...

I'm so guilty. YES. I bought it.

Because Brangelina NEEDS another $14 million.

Just doing my part.....