The Last Time I Talked to My Mother...

Before we go any further let me go on record as saying...it's gonna be one slllooowww Friday if ya'll don't participate. Now, go back and read what I posted yesterday and get on it! How can I pass on the wisdom of my fathers and my fore-fathers if ya'll don't ask me anything. I would eventually like for this to be an every Friday occurance. And once you see how not-dumb I am about stuff that's clever and kinda like, smart and stuff, you'll want me to share all my brain goings-on every week. Lucky you's guys.

Well, my mom is in town. And look people, I can't just let something like that pass me by. I have to use her for fodder. It's what I do. And if I let her get on that plane and leave without making tremendous fun of her, then what was it all for?

I haven't posted a "The Last Time..." in quite some time now. It isn't from not having the material - oh, I have the material. It's from not having the time. Trying to narrow down 30+ years of everything that woman has said or done takes some time.

So last night, as she sat in the leather recliner watching the NBA game, I decided to poke at her a little; ya know, just to see where it got me.

Me: Mom, maybe I should interview you.

Mom: Don't interview me. You are just going to make fun of me.

Me: No, I'm not I'm just going to ask you questions and you have to answer them, okay?

Mom: I'm not doing this. I'm too tired. And I have to go take my face off.

* It should be noted that's her way of saying "remove my make-up." It used to make me run screaming from the room, but I'm used to her sayings now.

Me: Mom, let's talk about a distinct memory we have of the years past.

Attorney General: Tell them about Sam Moon's.

Mom: Uh, Mr. AG? Who asked you to chime in?

Me: Oh yeah, that's a good one.

Mom: No. It's not a good one.

*At this point you should know that Sam Moon's is a shopping district in Houston known for it's low-end prices, high-end look. Everything is a knock-off. Everything says "Pradda" (with two d's) or "Succi" (instead of Gucci.) It is always busy. Mom and I make our guys take us down there. Often.

AG: Okay, set it up for them by telling them that she was wearing all yellow.

Mom: A lot of people wear all yellow!

AG: Not like that - you looked like a school bus. You had on a yellow shirt, shorts, socks, shoes and a yellow hat.

Mom: I did not have on a hat! You are lying! Liar!! Liar!!

Me: She didn't have on a hat. Now, continue...

AG: You came out of that car and you never even saw that curb. And man, you went flying! I mean you took a nose dive.

Me: (laughing hysterically.)

Mom: Ya know, If I wanted to be persecuted I could have just stayed home.

Me: Okay, we're s....

AG: I mean you didn't just trip. You fell right out, with your little yellow shorts and your yellow shirt flying up over you. And you broke all your nails on one hand, didn't you?

Mom: Yes, all of them.

AG: I will never forget you just rolling, rolling, rolling. Like a bright yellow penguin...until you just stopped.

Mom: (She is laughing too. Don't be fooled.) And not one of ya'll offered to help me up. Even your daddy just stood over me, looking at me and laughing.

AG: (Tears rolling) Man, good times. Good times.

Me: Meridith said I should write about all your "sayings."

Mom: Oh she did, did she?

Me: Like "I'm gonna slap you naked and hide your clothes."

Mom: That's a real saying...

Me: Or, "you look like you been rode hard and put up wet."

AG: Oh yeah, I bet that never got mis-translated.

Me: Should I tell them about the time our brand new pastor didn't understand what you were saying and he told the deacon board that he wanted to know why you kept telling him you were going to "Slap him naked and spank his bottom."

Me and AG: (laughing hysterically.)

Mom: I'm leaving now.

Me: Mom, don't go.

Mom: Why don't you tell them about the time you had to kiss Milton? Or the time you tried on bathing suits in the dressing room for me and I laughed so hard I almost passed out? Or the time you blew your knee out from attempting a certain dance move in your bedroom? What about those???

Me: Because those things make me look foolish - and that is not what this blog is about.

Mom: Uh, huh. Thought so. I'm going to take my face off now and read my paper.

*It should be noted here that when she says she is going to read her paper - it is ONLY the obituaries. Which she oftentimes finds amusing and tears them out to keep them.

Me: Okay, mom. I promise we won't do this the whole time you're here...

*It should be noted that yes, yes we will.

...I promise. It's just that I had been going blank lately and couldn't think of any stories from me and you.

Mom: Maybe that's God telling you something.