May 29, 2008

The Last Time I Talked to My Mother...

Before we go any further let me go on record as saying...it's gonna be one slllooowww Friday if ya'll don't participate. Now, go back and read what I posted yesterday and get on it! How can I pass on the wisdom of my fathers and my fore-fathers if ya'll don't ask me anything. I would eventually like for this to be an every Friday occurance. And once you see how not-dumb I am about stuff that's clever and kinda like, smart and stuff, you'll want me to share all my brain goings-on every week. Lucky you's guys.

Well, my mom is in town. And look people, I can't just let something like that pass me by. I have to use her for fodder. It's what I do. And if I let her get on that plane and leave without making tremendous fun of her, then what was it all for?

I haven't posted a "The Last Time..." in quite some time now. It isn't from not having the material - oh, I have the material. It's from not having the time. Trying to narrow down 30+ years of everything that woman has said or done takes some time.

So last night, as she sat in the leather recliner watching the NBA game, I decided to poke at her a little; ya know, just to see where it got me.

Me: Mom, maybe I should interview you.

Mom: Don't interview me. You are just going to make fun of me.

Me: No, I'm not I'm just going to ask you questions and you have to answer them, okay?

Mom: I'm not doing this. I'm too tired. And I have to go take my face off.

* It should be noted that's her way of saying "remove my make-up." It used to make me run screaming from the room, but I'm used to her sayings now.

Me: Mom, let's talk about a distinct memory we have of the years past.

Attorney General: Tell them about Sam Moon's.

Mom: Uh, Mr. AG? Who asked you to chime in?

Me: Oh yeah, that's a good one.

Mom: No. It's not a good one.

*At this point you should know that Sam Moon's is a shopping district in Houston known for it's low-end prices, high-end look. Everything is a knock-off. Everything says "Pradda" (with two d's) or "Succi" (instead of Gucci.) It is always busy. Mom and I make our guys take us down there. Often.

AG: Okay, set it up for them by telling them that she was wearing all yellow.

Mom: A lot of people wear all yellow!

AG: Not like that - you looked like a school bus. You had on a yellow shirt, shorts, socks, shoes and a yellow hat.

Mom: I did not have on a hat! You are lying! Liar!! Liar!!

Me: She didn't have on a hat. Now, continue...

AG: You came out of that car and you never even saw that curb. And man, you went flying! I mean you took a nose dive.

Me: (laughing hysterically.)

Mom: Ya know, If I wanted to be persecuted I could have just stayed home.

Me: Okay, we're s....

AG: I mean you didn't just trip. You fell right out, with your little yellow shorts and your yellow shirt flying up over you. And you broke all your nails on one hand, didn't you?

Mom: Yes, all of them.

AG: I will never forget you just rolling, rolling, rolling. Like a bright yellow penguin...until you just stopped.

Mom: (She is laughing too. Don't be fooled.) And not one of ya'll offered to help me up. Even your daddy just stood over me, looking at me and laughing.

AG: (Tears rolling) Man, good times. Good times.

Me: Meridith said I should write about all your "sayings."

Mom: Oh she did, did she?

Me: Like "I'm gonna slap you naked and hide your clothes."

Mom: That's a real saying...

Me: Or, "you look like you been rode hard and put up wet."

AG: Oh yeah, I bet that never got mis-translated.

Me: Should I tell them about the time our brand new pastor didn't understand what you were saying and he told the deacon board that he wanted to know why you kept telling him you were going to "Slap him naked and spank his bottom."

Me and AG: (laughing hysterically.)

Mom: I'm leaving now.

Me: Mom, don't go.

Mom: Why don't you tell them about the time you had to kiss Milton? Or the time you tried on bathing suits in the dressing room for me and I laughed so hard I almost passed out? Or the time you blew your knee out from attempting a certain dance move in your bedroom? What about those???

Me: Because those things make me look foolish - and that is not what this blog is about.

Mom: Uh, huh. Thought so. I'm going to take my face off now and read my paper.

*It should be noted here that when she says she is going to read her paper - it is ONLY the obituaries. Which she oftentimes finds amusing and tears them out to keep them.

Me: Okay, mom. I promise we won't do this the whole time you're here...

*It should be noted that yes, yes we will.

...I promise. It's just that I had been going blank lately and couldn't think of any stories from me and you.

Mom: Maybe that's God telling you something.

61 comments:

Sissy said...

Omygosh...I can't breathe. That was so funny. So funny. My mom says that "face off" thing too. And she puts in on in the morning as well.

And, can I shop with you?

And, more importantly, can you link me up please? I think I am getting a complex cause I wanted to be linked and you have not linked little ol me. What gives?

Anonymous said...

GOOD LAW!!!! What a way to start a morning. I can't stop laughing! I may never get the "yellow penguin" out of my head!!! I have said this before.. you two need to take this on the road!!! Good times Mel... Good times!

Kimberly J
P.S. I WILL be using the "slap you naked and hide your clothes" line today! Thanks Mom!

Kori said...

Sop I am at work and laughing so hard I am literally crying. And I want to know about the time you tried on bathing suits for you Mom oh and who's Milton and why is it such a big deal that you kissed him.

Do tell, Do tell!

Lula! said...

I am sensing a sitcom being born here. Please...take this act on the road. HUH-larious. I rarely laugh outloud at blogs, but this one brought out the tears. Love your Mama's heart with her little wrecking school bus self. Love AG's heart for laughing at his MIL. And love your heart for kissing anyone named Milton.

p.s. Your mom and I? Totally BFFs--the obits are the best. The really funny ones, where they tell that Martha loved quilting, canning, naked drag racing and her homosexual dog, Elton...well, those are KEEPERS.

Trish said...

oh Dear! mom is such a good sport!
If my husband told my mom that "she looked like a yellow school bus" she would quite likely explode........hehehehe!!

I'm a little curious about Milton too.

Alright, you asked for questions........mine is on it's way, and it is urgent and important.....so don't put it off!!

Anonymous said...

Melissa:

You are too funny! And your Mom - well, after being a best friend of hers for 50+ years, I know the wealth of material you have to work with. PLEASE USE IT!!!! She can tell EVERY embarrasing moment of my life in GREAT detail and thourougly enjoys doing so. So, please tell off on her.

Hope you guys have a great time. I just talked with your Dad, and he says Mal is so excited to be going to see Remi.

Enjoy your time together,

Sharon

Mrs. Romero said...

This is just hysterical. Your husband is a crack up! I also "blew" my knee out dancing... in the kitchen..that suck popped right out to the side of my leg. Not one of my better moments.

Melissa, this is such good stuff. "Slap you naked and hide your clothes." I see another bumper sticker...

Heather said...

That is too much! The yellow school bus outfit conversation had me falling out of my chair. Oh, man that's funny stuff. Your mom sounds like a fun lady!

I'm still thinking of my question for tomorrow. Don't worry. I'll come up with something good.

penny said...

That is just too funny. I don't think I've ever actually read a blog post that made me laugh out loud...

Amy said...

Ok...my daughter just walked in here and asked why I was laughing so hard. If only she would understand. This stuff is hilarious!!!

Jill said...

SO SO SO FUNNY!

Maggii said...

Too funny..Your mom sounds like fun!

Heather said...

I can't even decide which post was my favorite, I loved 'em all! You are just too funny!

Sunshine said...

Oh, your poor mom falling down in all that yellow! Tell her, I can relate, so she doesn't feel so alone. I do that all the time (minus the yellow socks).

I love your name for hubbs and that he is so um...chatty.

I'm off to find the Marriott post...unless I dreamed that!

Happy SITS day, girlie!

Jaci said...

My mom says "I need to put my face on." However, she has yet to take it off. She sleeps in her makeup.

My mom would also wear an entire outfit in one color, only she would pick Caution Road Construction Orange...complete with Burnt orange lipstick. Maybe our moms are long lost sisters?

Enjoy your SITS day!

Rhea said...

We have a Sam Moon here in the north of Dallas area. It's a fun place to go.

Your mom is a great sport! I love the conversation...I was laughing out loud AGAIN and my whole family is looking at me weird once again.

I have a lot of family in Houston.

Party of 5 said...

OMG How funny. Can your mom adopt me? We can be sisters instead of just SITSas.

Jenni said...

Your mom is hilarious. I want to hear more sayings. They are great!

Jenni said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melissa said...

Let me start by saying that I rarely get through all 3 posts of a SITS feature in one sitting because of precious little darlings beckoning for bottoms wiped or boogies picked, but today I just shook 'em off my leg to read your blog. You are my new favorite person.
X___________________ sign here is that's okay with you! :)

Melissa said...

correction: "if" that's okay with you. Darn it! Typo's ruin the humor!

Sherri said...

You are seriously so funny!!! I think I will read you everyday!!!

-Bridget said...

Glad to see your mom has a great sense of humor too. I always walk on eggshells when writing anything about my mom. But she's not a funny gal like yours.

MomMega said...

Oh the visual of a rolling yellow penguin!! Too funny! I am seriously addicted and going to read the rest of your blog as soon as the baby goes down for a nap!

Mama Dawg said...

Gotta love mamas. Mine's too self-controlled to do anything like that...except I have a roller blading story that might do nicely.

Melanie said...

I can't get by with telling stories about my mom, she doesn't know how crazy she is and it would just get me in trouble.

Lisa@BlessedwithGrace said...

Okay, seriously. You are so funny. I am so glad that you were featured for SITS today. Needed the laugh. About Sam Moon's. There is also one of these gloriously fun stores in Dallas. Who wouldn't love that store? Really, who?

Merrie said...

I think I love your mom. :)

Me said...

I have to use the "slap you naked and hide your clothes" line. My nephew will love it! You're HIGH-LAIR-EE-OUS!

Shannon said...

good golly that's priceless!

trashalou said...

My Mum goes to put her face on! Which I always found even weirder than when she 'took it off'.

Paty said...

I hate it when my mom uses the God-card....Can you ever think of anything to follow that?

Karen said...

Oh dear (wipes eyes), I don't think I am ever going to be able to look at a yellow school bus, without having a fit of the giggles!!

Caution said...

Your poor, poor mom! She's a great sport though.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

I think we have something in common; my mom (who is featured on my blog often) also has a lot of sayings. I think she might be the Rated G version, and your mom the Rated PG version? Thanks for the grins.

Angela said...

Is that the SIL ribbing his MIL??? Your poor School Bus.

Hilarious!

Sydney said...

honest to goodness I am laughing out loud and trying not to spray water out my nose in the process! i really needed a laugh and i thank GOD i clicked on your blog. I promise I will come back and visit! Congrats on being the SITS featured blogger!

justjuli said...

Great post! My mom has a lot of funny sayings too - but nothing compares to:
"I'm gonna slap you naked and hide your clothes."

I'm gonna have to find a way to incorporate that one into daily conversation. hmmmmmm..

Mommy Meryl said...

What a great post!!! You have a wonderful blog - always making me smile!

Hairline Fracture said...

I am SO using the slap you naked phrase!

Kimberly said...

Oh my!! So funny! I haven't ever read your blog before today, but surely I will be back! :) Still laughing...

Amy said...

It's always fun to reminisce and make fun of mom, have fun with that as long as you can! I miss my mom :(

Perez Family Spot said...

Mom's Rock!! The older they get the funnier!

Linney Shvede said...

you are officially the new queen of funny. great blog!

the brock clan said...

I never did understand the all one color outfits! So funny!

Jen said...

This is great stuff. Very funny.

mrsbear0309 said...

I think I love you a little.

Michelle said...

Your poor mom. Although, she sounds much like my mom with her mis-sayings. But rode hard and put away wet is a description that I ummm use sometimes. It's not a normal one? Whoops!

Givinya De Elba said...

It sounds like I'd like your Mom! And I'm pretty sure I'd like you too!

GdeE

Adiel said...

Oh my, I wish I had more conversations like this! Its good you've got this down, cos I may have to re-read this if I ever need a laugh!

Sassy Momma said...

I think your mom and my grandmother are sisters seperated at birth! Your posts are so funny! I have found a new favorite!

WheresMyAngels said...

I would love to see a photo of the yellow school bus rollin!

AFRo said...

Is it bad that I understood what every single one of her sayings meant... like the taking my face off and the reading my newspaper...

DysFUNctional Mom said...

OMG! This literally made me LOL, and I'm at work, and it's really quiet! And I don't LOL very often over blogs so this was a real treat. I think it's sooo funny to me because it sounds EXACTLY like a conversation that would happen involving me and my mom, with my husband, brother and sister egging me on.
LOVE IT! I came from SITS and I'm off to read more of your blog....

Jennifer said...

You are HILARIOUS!!

Nicole said...

Isn't it great having a mom with such a great sense of humor. I love it when my mom say's I'm so mad I could spit. I remember making her really mad once saying "Go for it, spit" I have a wonderful mom! Thanks for the laugh! Tell your mom thanks too!

Cara Starr said...

"Me: Like "I'm gonna slap you naked and hide your clothes."

Mom: That's a real saying..."

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA! At least it isn't a fake saying right?

Nichole Jolene said...

mama'ed over from SITS~okay now i'm addicted to you and you have made the final cut. you are one of the few. the proud. "the blogs i stalk" list on my page. take a bow and make a speech. LOVED THIS POST!!!!

Judy Haley said...

I've got this picture of a big yellow school bus flying through the air and then morphing into a fuzzy yellow penguin rolling on the lawn

Vicki said...

Oh Lawd! Can I be a fly on the wall the next time you have a conversation like this?

shar said...

Omigod - this is hilarious stuff! You've got a new fan here :) - thanks for making me laugh out loud!