He Should Be Thankful They Hadn't Lit Candles.

When I moved back to my hometown there were a few things I had to "get right" in my mind.

1. There would be no more Marshall's.

This would not be easy as my entire house is furnished by Marshall's, some of the AG and I's biggest fights came after my overspending at Marshall's and let us not forget that some of my best bathroom regularity come from, you guessed it, Marshall's.

2. I would no longer hear the phrase "meat-n-three."

I remember the first time I used this Tennessee phrase with my parents. They looked at me like I had three heads. But a meat-n-three (which refers to, hold on this gets confusing, a meat and three sides) in Tennessee is very common. Not so in Texas. In Texas it is either "fried or not-fried", "sweet or not sweet," "covered or ..." well there really is just covered. And no one refers to the fact that you get meat and three sides. You just read the menu and don't ask no questions, thankyouverymuch.

3. And lastly, no Costco.

A moment of silence. Please.

But one thing I did not prepare myself for was the news. News in the 75904 is not quite like the news in Nashvegas. Mainly in Nashvegas its things like "Music City Killer Strikes Again" or "Little Jimmy Dickens Found To Be Taller Than Recently Reported." Stuff like that. Not so here in the 75904, take yesterday's newsworthy posting:

Police: Hudson woman stabs common-law husband for bed behavior

By JESSICA COOLEY/The Lufkin Daily News

A Hudson woman was arrested early Tuesday, accused of stabbing her common-law husband because she was unhappy with his performance in the bedroom, an arrest report stated. Hudson Police officers were called around 1 a.m. Tuesday to the Ted Trout Drive home Michelle Thomas, 26, shared with the man.

The man told police Thomas became angry with him when she was not satisfied by a sexual encounter the two shared just before the incident, the report stated. He said she grabbed a pair of scissors and began slashing at him, according to the report. Officers noted the man had minor cuts to his chest, left thumb and left knee.

Thomas told officers the man was drunk and had grabbed her by the wrists, threw her on the bed and began choking her, according to the report. Officers saw no visible injuries on Thomas. The man said the only time he put his hands on her was during the sexual encounter, the report stated.

Thomas was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, although the man told officers he didn’t want to press charges.

Thomas faces a second-degree felony charge, carrying a sentence up to 20 years in prison and up to a $10,000 fine.

Thomas was being held in the Angelina County Jail as of Tuesday morning, pending a bond hearing.

Yep, that's right, folks. Here in the 75904 bedroom battles make for front page fodder.

Can you imagine how thankful I was that I didn't make headlines, considering just last week I tried slashing at the Attorney General after he told me "maybe if you lie down on the bed they'll actually zip!" (Idiot. Like I hadn't tried that.)

But this just goes to show you that here in my hometown you never know what is going on with your neighbors behind their closed doors.

Unless they try to stab someone...

While in the throws of passion...

And it makes the paper.

Then you totally know.

And I'm not gonna lie, for a nosey girl like me, I'm kinda glad about that.

Though my digestive system could still use a good Mashall's every now and then.