The Scream Heard Round The World (Bachelor Recap)

* Please note: The Bachelor came on Monday night, but I was Valentinin' it up with The AG and put off watching it until last night. So yes, I am a day late and a dollar short. Story of my life. Carry on...

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Let's not confuse the issue: It says Bachelor recap in the title, but this isn't a recap at all.

A recap is where you go through the previous night's episode and replay it moment by moment for your friends who missed it.

But to that I say: If you missed it - then you aren't my friend!

Seriously, my lovelies, am I still having to convince some of you to watch this show? Why? Why is that? Is it that you are one of those people who are so self-controlled that you refuse to allow yourself one moment of down time? One moment of such guilty pleasure that you lay on your couch in the pajamas that you've had on all day, the ones with the chili stain on the front, and feed your mortality with Dr. Pepper and Double Stuffed Oreo's?

Not that I've ever done that.

Though that was oddly specific.

So I will not, can not, recap last night's episode for you because if you missed it - well, you missed it. Because in my house, it was the moment we've all been waiting for. The thrilla in manilla. The scream heard round the world.

30th BIRTHDAY IS GONE!

I wouldn't have believed it myself had I not been sitting in my living room surrounded by The Bachelorettes (its the name we've given ourselves, its catchy and it took us literally 2 seconds to come up with it) eating our usual diet of buttered popcorn and peanut M&M's. But there she was and then - poof! - she was gone.

I'm not gonna lie. It was glorious.

* It was like that time in high school when the really beautiful girl who was voted "Best Body" ran for cheerleader for the 15th consecutive year but then actually lost to the new girl with fallen arches and an overbite. Only that never happened because High School stunk!!

We all screamed and rewound it and watched it again and screamed again and rewound it one more time and then didn't scream so loudly the third time because we were all tuckered out.

So there's my Bachelor Recap. It wasn't so much a recap as it was my thoughts on The Bachelor and 30th Birthday and high school cheerleaders. But stay tuned next week when he goes to visit their families. This always brings the show to a different level because families can make ya or break ya.

Take mine, for instance. Were I (or for the sake of reality, Meridith) to ever bring The Bachelor home one could reasonably expect that...
a.) He would be shocked to find that my Granny will never serve a meal that doesn't have all three of these specific elements: wieners, cottage cheese and a half eaten can of peaches.
b.) My mother wholeheartedly believes its okay to give your American Express number to someone over the phone if they're conversation begins with the words, "You've won!"
c.) My dad can fall asleep standing up.

See how the game can change?