Black and Blue and Nuts All Over. (Bachelor Recap)

Oh, for pete's sake.

Do I really have to recap this episode?

"Of course you do, Melissa. We hang on every word. You are the reason that ABC has had a network re surge. If not you, who?"

I hear ya. I hear ya. But even your kind words cannot kindle a flame inside of me for this particular episode. Last nights episode of The Bachelor was that episode where every girl says the same thing, every girl cries the same cry and every speech he gives is the same speech he just gave.

*Note to all the naysayers who say things like, "You're just no noticing this, Melissa? I knew this and I've only seen one episode and I watched it while changing my pantyhose on a flight to Denver." They are NOT all the same. On some shows girls get in catfights. On some shows you can tell there is really nothing but complete awkwardness between him and his date (I l-o-v-e those). And sometimes, if we're really lucky, a girl leaves without being asked and everyone is in shock and awe and we at home have to pause our DVR and refill our Dr. Pepper glasses and ask what went wrong. So there.

But none of that was the case on last night's show. So I'm going to make this short and sweet. Hang on.

He went on a date with Her-Dad-Owns-A-Car-Lot. It went well. He said he felt like he had known her forever. They made out. She's in love.

He went on a group date. Dr. Drew was there. Dr. Drew should have stayed longer, because group dates are nothing but nests' of crazy. The Dentist Cried and made a scene. Bachelor fell for it by reassuring her with forehead kisses, but then got kinda mad at her; chose to give rose to Food Critic who desperately needs a haircut.

30th Birthday finally got her alone date because the producers of the show couldn't stand to listen to her whine another minute. She woke up with a black eye because one of her split personalities decided to try and kill her. Unfortunately, they lost. 30th Birthday and The Bachelor repelled off a roof which has now bonded them for life. He said he could imagine a life with her and her daughter. They made out. She's in love.

The cocktail party went fine until he surprised Emily with a picnic basket in front of all the other women. That's because Emily is precious and doesn't beat herself up in her sleep. All the other girls went loco and decided that openly crying seemed to be the best way to handle the situation.

He ended up sending home three women who were commonly referred to as She-Looks-Like-Amy-Adams, Ugly-Pink-Shoes and Bartender. Strangely, these were three women who didn't openly cry over Emily's picnic basket. Leading me to believe he appreciates a woman who cries in public and openly demonstrates aggressive behavior. (Thank God I didn't meet him in my 20's, we'd be married today.)

The night ended with a champagne toast and his vow that those women were there because he truly wanted to get to know them better. Until next week. When he sends home three more, who mark my words will be My-Bootie-Isn't-Petite-Enough, Dorothy From Oz and Sportscaster. Unless he repels down a building with them, then its anybodies guess.

Predictions anyone?