Mate and Ali. (You get it? It sounds like the old TV show, Kate and Allie? Get it?)

So I am finally going to write about The Bachelorette, because, well, to be honest, I finally care.

Now that isn't to say that I have missed an episode. Trust me, I haven't missed one second of one episode because I have that little of a life. But as I mentioned once before I just haven't been completely enthralled with Ali as The Bachelorette. Sure, she's as cute as a button, she can wear the heck out of a maxi dress, and my head starts to sweat just looking at those hair extensions - but I just haven't been enraptured like I was hoping to be. I think it's because I tend to like the reality TV dramatics of women vying for the attention of one man, versus the reality TV back-patting of the men.

But I don't know, that's just me.

But then there was Monday night. The night Ali went to Tahiti with her last three men. Aaaaaahhhhhhh Tahiti. Here is a run-down of my thoughts:

- Dear ABC, there has not been one cheesy thing this entire season...unlike last season when you had On The Wings of Love playing every time Jake kissed a girl...until Tahiti. Why, oh, why did you have the scene with Ali coming up out of the water and throwing her hair extensions far enough back to sprain something? I haven't seen a move like that since Flashdance or that one weekend we got that free preview weekend and the AG didn't know what we were watching. (Until we did. And then we changed the channel. Quickly.) Who is your cheese director? Fire them.

- Oh, Frank. You dumped her. You dumped The Bachelorette. Now that has surely never happened before and I'm sure it made for lots of back-patting at the local pub. And Frank, let me go on record as saying I'm a sucker for love. I really am. I actually felt for your ex-girlfriend when you went to meet with her and I could tell that the two of you genuinely cared for one another. But my question is, have you ever heard the phrase "hedging your bets?" Well, that is what you were doing. Frank, what you essentially did was the same as the employee who doesn't leave one job until he is sure he has the other one and then leaves the same day as he gets the news: no warning, no notice, no nothing. Has it been done a million times? Yes. Is it wrong? Yes. Should you do it to your employer on national television? I'm thinkin', no.

- Chris, run. Run fast. Run far. Because you, my slightly goofy friend, are in this much deeper than she is. Now maybe I'm wrong and she picks you. But I'm not usually wrong about these things. I saw Vienna coming (and going) from a mile away and I knew Ed and Jillian would last forever. Oh, wait. They didn't. Well, moving on........your heart is about to be broken sweet lass. Because she looks at you exactly like I look at my Golden Retriever, You are so pretty, you are so sweet, thank you for being great with my children, now please stop licking yourself and trying to eat my headband.

- Roberto, if it doesn't work out with Ali, I'd like you to meet my cousin Meridith. She's sweet, she's got cute little freckles like Ali, and though she's never watched a baseball game in its entirety she was once quoted as saying in regards to you, "I'd slide into his home any ol' time."

So I'd love to hear your thoughts on all things Bachelorette. Unless they are not in total agreement with mine, then I prefer you not leave a comment. Okay, you can, you can!

Let the dishing begin!