Seven Reasons I am Too Old For Justin Bieevverber.

1. Saturday night Justin Beaver was the musical guest on SNL. While little girls everywhere swooned and gasped, breathed heavy and ripped at their clothing, I sat with my husband and said things like, "Isn't he adorable?" "Look at those young people dance. I love to see young people dance." To which he replied, "Why don't you throw your bra at the T.V.? I'd help you get it off but the songs not that long and I'd have to borrow your dad's tractor."

2. My little sister told me that all the boys in her school think Justin Bibber is gay. Which is a fairly standard statement for 13 year old boys who are threatened by anyone's moving-in on their testosterone entrenched turf. All the girls love him. Thus, he must be gay. I assured her that he wasn't gay. "How do you know?" she asked. "Because all the boys in my class said the same thing about New Kids on The Block when I was in school." "You listened to them? How old are you?" "Old enough to know that Donnie really was that tough. Danny never really did grow into his chin. Joey was the most talented as I had always suspected. Jordan's voice never did lower much to no one's surprise. And Jonathan, well, Jonathan might be gay. No one can really say for sure." She rolled her eyes and continued staring out the window.

3. When I picture Justin Bowlfinger appearing in Teen Beat I can only picture him with one person. Alyssa Milano. Now I ask you, how cute would they be?

4. Though I love the song "Baby," by Justin Beerhair I can no longer say, "I love that song Baby and I know every word." Because in fact, I do not. In fact, I cannot understand half of them so I choose to sing only the words "Baby, baby, baby, ohhhh…." To which my three year old said, "I know those words, too, mama." It's the circle of life, people, the circle of life.

5. Last weekend I was eating at Chick-fil-A in the mall when I saw a young boy standing at the counter. For a moment I stared at him and thought, "He kind of resembles that Justin Bystander." He was so cute with that wispy hair in his face and that little grin. But then his mom walked up. And I had graduated from high school with her. And I cried into my waffle fries.

6. My hair looks like Justin Bifocal. I don't mean for it too. I just does. I'm trying something different with my bangs and The AG told me I should look at the cover of People magazine. I was expecting to see someone intelligent, beautiful, striking, and gorgeous. Instead I saw a 15 year old hormonal teen boy. And I knew I was doing something RIGHT!

7. And the last reason I know that I am too old to not only like, but even listen to, Justin Belcher: Whenever I look at his poster on my little sisters wall I think one thing, "Never stop flossing, Justin. Gum disease can pack a punch my friend. Pack. A. Punch."