The Last Time I Talked To My Mother.

My family has always had an issue with size.

And by that I mean, we are not a bunch of featherweights.

This is the same family who grew up singing Southern Gospel thus my dad petitioned that we go on the road as The Dixie Chunks. And for a moment we actually considered it.

So here's a tip: When you come into our family and it's Christmastime, and everyone says, "Hey, let's draw names for gift giving this year," pray to the God you serve that you don't pull a woman in my families name out of that hat. Because at some time during that season she will try and trick you, try and trip you up, try and nail your sorry shirt to the wall by saying these words: "I saw a sweater at Kohl's I would love to have."

Don't believe her! Walk away!

What she's really saying is, "Go. Buy me a sweater. I'm just dyyyinnnngg to see what size you get me. Because one size too big is an insult. Two sizes too big is a slap in my face. And don't even think about getting me something too small."

I kid you not, I have put back names in that hat for the last three years until I finally draw my Uncle Dave. He wears clothes both enormous on him and three sizes too small - so either way I feel it's a win/win.

Which brings me to my mom. Apparently, mom has decided that sizes are for the weak. By that I mean that she now walks through a department store and if she likes it she purchases it. Sizes be damned! (I can say that word because its in the context of a point I'm trying to make, you see.) In the last few weeks she has purchased shirts for her sister: one was two sizes two small, one was two sizes two big. I don't know if they fought about it, but she has had to buy her sister lunch once a week for the last several weeks.

She bought two outfits for Rocco that would have been so cute on him.....six months ago.

And Remi would look adorable in her new Spring clothes if 2008 would roll back around.

I'm taking her for cataract surgery this morning. So maybe that is to blame for all the misguided buying she's been doing lately. And yet amazingly it never stops those beady little eyes from looking at whatever it is I'm wearing and saying, "You should have gotten that in a bigger size."

Here's hoping this year I draw her name.

P.S. Just for today, let's do like my mom: SIZES BE DAMNED! (Again...I use the word for emphasis.) Pick whatever size you want. Who's gonna know? Today I am a size 6. And girrrrrrl, it looks good on me. What size are you?