Apr 14, 2009

Idol Chatter.

I don't think in all my years of watching American Idol I have ever posted on it. Maybe I have, I really don't know. Besides, I try to erase from my memory from anything I post on here (want to know why? See this, this and this.)

But now I will give you all my take on American Idol because I feel certain you have all been sitting around, biting your nails, wishing for this.

You haven't?


Hmmph.

Last night's Idol was "songs from motion pictures." I would now - for the record - like to list 4 great songs that no one thought of. Why, I do not know.

1. Holding Out For A Hero (Bonnie Tyler) - Footloose
2. Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler) - Bandits

I would now like to go on record as saying that I heart cheesy power ballads. And I double heart Bonnie Tyler. And I triple heart Footloose, so let's go with any song from that movie.

3. Rapper's Delight (Sugarhill Gang) - The Wedding Singer

Please note: These songs are not personal suggestions for anyone to sing. Though I feel certain that kid that looked like Chicken Little from Season 5 could have tore this up.

4. Think (Aretha Franklin) - The Blues Brothers ("Two whole chickens and some dry white toast." Anyone remember that?)

Okay...on with my thoughts.

Dear Allison,

Just one week would you dye your hair black just so we can see how it looks? Please? I heard your voice described as "a set of vocal chords that have been marinating in Jack Daniels for 30 years." I couldn't have said it better myself. For 16 you are amazing. I do not think you did yourself justice with that song from Armageddon, but mainly because:
1. No one can sing like Stephen Tyler. NO ONE. (Hey Adam, NO ONE.)
2. And lastly because no one can sing like Stephen Tyler.
So next week, sing something from Pink. That's who you sound like. And color your hair...black...just for me. Think about it.

Dear Anoop,

I love you. I really do. I don't know why everyone has been so mad at you and continually putting you in the bottom three. I'm confused by this. I think you are cute as a button, you have a beautiful voice and I loved you in Slumdog Millionaire. Granted, the song you chose was as cheesy as heck and all I could think of while you were singing it was the date I went on to Robin Hood with a really cute cowboy who yawned the entire time and then apologized for it by saying, "Sorry, I was up early cutting meat." I never really figured out what that meant, but I gave up cowboys and married an attorney. And I have to say, things worked out a lot better for me. I hope they work out for you, too. I think you deserve to stay longer than Lil, for Pete's sake.

Dear Adam,

Uh...................................I'm not a fan. And it's not because I feel like I am watching a Broadway musical every time you perform. And it's not because you gyrate, though I hate it when people "gyrate." And it's not because you lick the microphone like you're trying to get it pregnant. It's because you wear more make-up than my 10th grade science partner. Bare Minerals. The end.

Dear Matt,

Dude. What is up? You could have sang any song from the movie Ray and yet you chose a Brian Adams song from a movie about a shirtless Lothario? What gives? My desire is for you to shave your head, wear white sneakers, sit behind a piano and sing Senorita. Oh, wait. Maybe my desire is just to go download Justin Timberlake from itunes and call it a day.

Dear Kris,

That performance? A.W.E.S.O.M.E. Really wonderful. Delicate and simple. And who in their right mind doesn't like that song? You just keep showin' up, little man.

Dear Danny,

Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny. I want you to marry Meridith. Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny. You and Meridith would be perfect for each other. I like you so much. And I love your voice. But Meridith, she loooooovvvveeesss you. And it's not just because you sang Endless Love and it's not because you kind of got weepy eyes when you sang it and it's not because your eyeglasses are the cutest thing since Leo's side swept bangs. It's because...okay, I lied, it's because of all those things.

Dear Lil,

It's been nice knowin' ya, Lil. But my dear, you tried to do something that I will always and forever object to: You tried to pull off a Bette Midler song. And pulling off a Bette Midler song can only, should only, be done by - ME. Of course, this is my own personal opinion, but it's one I'm sticking to. I guess I just find it astonishing that out of all the songs (Hello! Preacher's Wife, DreamGirls, Body Guard and Blues Brothers) you chose, The Rose. Hmmm. Call your kids, momma's coming home.

So there you have it. My thoughts.

Oh, and just so you all know, if I was on American Idol on movie soundtrack night I would be breaking out in some Queen of the Night, oh yes I would. Would it be good? No. It'd probably be horrible, but I'd go down in a flame - that's for sure.

Meridith said it's too bad that American Idol isn't for people in my "age range". She said, "American Idol was made for someone like you, Melissa. You have so many different personalities, and you could showcase them all."

I don't think anyone has ever said anything that nice to me.

26 comments:

Smoochiefrog said...

You my friend are hilarious! Good stuff there.

Neeki said...

Melissa,

I believe you've summarized all my feelings about American Idol perfectly, especially the parts about Anoop. And Danny. And Lil. But I do have to disagree about Adam. I think he is Steven Tyler reincarnated. Ok, so supposedly Steven Tyler is still living, but that's just details. I mean, really. Who could pull off the notes he does? Who, in all of music history? Anyone? Freddy Mercury, maybe. Mick Jagger, probably. But no one else, really.

But except for being flat wrong about Adam, I LOVED your post. And yes, I think Meredith should marry Danny, and yes I definitely think you should be allowed to be on AI. It would never be the same again. In a good way.

Sherri said...

Dear Melissa
LOVED THIS!

Anonymous said...

Let me start by saying that I love your blog and look forward to reading each post! I have never commented before which is crazy because you have written tons of inspirational, hillarious and brutally honest posts so why I would choose to comment on this particular post and not a previous one is beyond me but I'm pretty certian that it's because I feel the exact same way about each and every one of these contestants! Love it!!!

Rhonda said...

Great post!

I have never been so hooked on idol as I am this season. And, harrumph, I can't even vote.

I have to tell you, I love Adam. I love Kris. Danny's really sweet and all. I love Adam. (Did I say that already?) His song last week just blew my love for him over the moon!

I love Adam. He has perfect teeth.

I long for perfect teeth. In fact, I long for dentures so I can have perfect teeth. I have a few more years to wait yet. I wouldn't want to be an adult wearing braces or anything, you understand... Okay, wow! Am I funny. Sorry AG. I had to do it.

I think this goes on the books as my most random comment EVER!

My Creatively Vintage Life said...

Hi Melissa,

I came upon your blog through Susie at Bienvenue. I totally love you. You are hysterical. You said everything I was actually thinking about the contestants myself. I'm glad to visit your blog and look forward to reading your posts. Although you probably don't "trust Me". I not only scrapbook, but I manage a local scrapbook store. lol. Sorry. but I do love buttercream icing!

Christy

Heathahlee said...

I don't even watch Idol and this post cracked me up!!! Susie sent us your way and I'm so glad she did!

Oh, and I'm an alto who couldn't be mistaken for a soprano even if I slapped a Sandi Patti wig on my head. I wish I had upper registers to exercise. I think we have much in common...I'll be back! : )

Jill said...

You are hilarious!! I came upon your blog through Susie at Bienvenue last night and read quite a few of your posts. Too funny!

Jennifer said...

Hey Melissa-
I found you through Susie at Bienvenue yesterday and I relate to you in SO many ways. Regarding this post- I couldn't have said it better myself. I CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT tolerate Adam. He bugs the living tar out of me. I can't deny that he has talent oozing out of his pores, but to me, everything he does sounds the same. And I just don't think someone like him (pure musical theatre) should be the winner. Danny and Kris are my favorites. Kris was amazing on Falling Slowly and Danny was awesome on Endless Love. I want those boys to be the final two, although I don't think it will happen that way. I have a feeling it will be down to Adam and Danny.

Sonja said...

Last night: 3 votes Danny....because I heart Danny. 1 vote Anoop because I thought he deserved it. I don't think he'll come close to even winning but still....I feel like he's a good guy. Kris? comin' up strong! I totally agree with you on Adam. Totally.

Got a good laugh out of this post. Nothin' like AI to bring me out to post a comment :) I've been on this wagon since Kelly Clarkson and I'm not ashamed!!!!

bunchofbull-ers! said...

Couldn't have said it better....love it! Thanks for the good reads! I look forward to more!
Have a wonderful day.


Kelly

B. said...

My thoughts exactly.... except I really dislike Adam and I really like Lil. She has just been making some bad choices.

Hillary said...

I knew we were soul sisters! I triple heartFootloose, too! I could watch it over and over!

As for AI, couldn't have said it better myself!

Shawn said...

What is American Idol?
-shawn

The Mom said...

I completely agree with you about Adam. Any boy who wears more makeup than I do just freaks me out a little. I enjoyed your post. I am a first time reader and will be back!

Candice said...

The Rose?! Really? Of all the songs out there she chose The Rose? I sat on the edge of my couch with my chin in my hand saying, are you kidding me over and over again.

Jennifer said...

"not because you lick the microphone like you're trying to get it pregnant".......... BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

I really don't like Adam either... I feel like I'm watching something... dark... and satanic sometimes. Not a good feeling.

I vote for MORE idol posts!! :D

Ashley said...

I agree - Lil has got to go!

I disagree - Adam is a hottie and he is my favorite - BY FAR (though I love Allison and would love her more with a plain old hair-do and some normal clothes)

Lori said...

I am so grateful that I read this post while my glass of iced tea was a good 6 feet away. Had I not, I would have been on the phone checking with Dell to see when they could ship me a new laptop.
"...and I loved you in Slumdog Millionaire"
Bwaaaahaaaahaaahaaahaaa!

JenB said...

Oh my word. This is the first time I've read your blog and you are stinkin' hilarious. "loved you in Slumdog Millionaire"!! I laughed out loud at least 3 times.
I'll definitely be back!

Brindi said...

Susie sent me over. Good gravy - you had me laughing and reading all of your back stuff. Was a joy to visit. I'll be back.

~ Lisa @ AbidingThere~ said...

Oh my gosh - you are hysterical! Thanks for this great laugh!! I've never really followed American Idol, but the kids and I do enjoy the first few nights of each season when they're doing the tryouts - pretty funny! {not as funny as you, though!}

natalie said...

Oh! I hear ya! We are on the exact same page about all of 'em. Adam...I could really do without...but I love me some Kris :)

Mich said...

I'm a Kris and Danny fan myself!

I enjoyed your post.

Amy said...

I just found your blog and you're hilarious! I love your picks...I'm so glad I've found another person who doesn't like Adam...he seriously needs to brush his tongue! ;)

I will be back!

by the way I see that you love 'same kind of different as me'...amazing books. Both Denver and Ron spoke at our church! Amazing testimony!!

Fun to find you!
Amy~

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